Relationships with Moms 2

One of the more complex times of my first year of college was coming home for winter break. I spent the first semester getting used to the freedom, and newly gained independence I had living on my own. When I returned home, I found myself feeling confined and caged-in. I had to deal with curfews again, I wasn’t always allowed out and I had to clean my room on the same schedule (mom's) as I'd had for at least the previous twelve years. I remember getting in many fights with my parents and wanting nothing more than to go back to school. I had never fought so much with them as during that two week period.

It is real hard to find the balance between upsetting parents versus establishing the rules. It's important to sit down with them early on, perhaps even the first night you get home. Tell them about your life at college and living in the dorms. Tell them about the independence you have when you’re at school. Express concerns you have about coming back home and living in their house. Remember that they love you and that they want to keep you safe. Don’t get angry with them for parenting you; it’s their job. They are going to be overprotective and it will be hard for them to let go of certain rules. You might find that at first you have to take baby steps.

The rules that previously applied in their house have to be altered radically: after all, they've trusted you to live with a lot more freedom than ever before, and you've proved that you can do it successfully. The new rules have to respect that fact. No longer is it appropriate to have rules whose reason for existing is that they need to protect you from dangerous situations, or from the consequences of your lack of experience with things. And if your morality is to be protected, then it's you that has to do it. They're no longer in the position of being able to do much about any of that, but hopefully they'll respect your decisions.

But more than new rules, there also has to be a new way of setting rules. Now the responsibility for your welfare is yours. Part of what you need to do, though, is to respect the fact that it's their house, and you're now living there, in a way, as a guest. For example, my mom can't go to sleep until I've come back. Appropriate when I was 16, but not now. Nevertheless, I can't change it, and neither can she. So if there's to be a curfew, this is now the reason for it, as opposed to the need to protect or control me.

It might be too much for them to take in at once, so take baby steps, accept compromises, and always make sure you are on the same page. That way, you will survive your first winter break of college. And more important, you'll preserve a relationship that has always been, and hopefully will continue to be, one of the most important ones in your life.