Dear Diary

September

One of my problems is my perfectionism. Just last weekend I broke into tears for no apparent reason. Upon coaxing from my boyfriend, the real reason came out. I was feeling very bogged down, frustrated and discouraged by all the work I have to do. My boyfriend, who is at the beginning of his second year of university, tried to help me realize that I can’t possibly expect to do everything and still remain sane. Mainly, I have to come to terms with my feelings of guilt when I don’t do everything that the professors expect of me.

October

I don’t know what to do. I am going to my classes and trying to do all the home work but I am going crazy with the amount of work I have to do. The time management is really hard.

This week I have an English essay due and a psychology midterm. My chem prof just posted a whole new chapter online and I am scared we will have a pop quiz today. I don’t know what he expects because his English his so broken. He says to look at the slides but what is the point of coming to class if I can look at the slides online? I feel so stressed and don’t know what to do. You think you are on top of it and then all of a sudden you go to class and there are a whole bunch of readings to do and you have done none of them. There don’t seem to be enough hours in the day to do all my reading, my assignments and studying, and still find time to sleep.

It is just so overwhelming. I’m looking forward to Christmas break.
__________

Well the psychology midterm is over. I don’t know how I did on it, but right now I don’t care. All I can think of is sleeping in tomorrow.

What’s the sense of worrying about it now? It’s over, I did the best I could, and there’s nothing more I can do now.
__________

I’m so happy! I got 86.6% on my psych midterm. It didn’t even bother me that I only got 69% on my English essay. I guess that just goes to show that I’m not as dumb as I was beginning to think I was.

November

I’m so glad I did well on all my midterms. Overall, I have 3 A’s, a B+ and a B. Now I feel much more optimistic and confident about my work. I am hoping to keep my marks up so that I can get another scholarship next year.
__________

It’s that time of year again. Assignments and readings keep piling up so high that I can’t even see tomorrow any more. This is the time when I should be working overtime to reduce the demands on me, but I’m getting so tired of everything. I just want the year to be over so I can have some time for myself to do what I want to do. Every time I sit down to do homework, my mind refuses to function efficiently. I keep thinking of all the other things I’d rather be doing, like sleeping or reading a novel. I’m sick of thinking critically, or even thinking at all.

I never realized how much university monopolizes your life. When you’re not attending lectures and tutorials, you’re doing homework. If you’re not doing homework, you fell guilty about it (or I do anyway). I seem to be obsessed with my schoolwork. Of course, I want to succeed, graduate, get a job and get on with my life. I also want to make my family proud of me.

The worst part of it is that I can’t even enjoy my weekends anymore because I’m either doing homework or feeling guilty about not doing it. I’m so depressed that by the time Monday comes, I feel worse than the week before. I guess I’ll just have to keep going and just look forward to the end of April.
__________

I’m so bogged down. I’ve got too many demands on my time: school, work, and my personal life. I can’t do much about school except quit. I need to work to get money to go to school and I need my personal life for my sanity, which I don’t have much of anymore.

I find myself wanting to scream at the top of my lungs at least three times a day. There’s too much to handle. I’m not used to this. I wish I was little again. Things were so much easier then.

December

I feel a little more optimistic this week. I don’t know why. The next two weeks are going to be sheer hell. The week after next I have a lab due, an exam, two essays and my writing project. I’m going to be a mental case. However, I don’t feel too bad right now. Maybe it’s just the calm before the storm. Hopefully, by getting organized and using my time wisely, I’ll be able to survive with my sanity intact.

January

I’m just so tired all the time. I want to sleep in the evenings and I want to sleep late in the mornings. Whenever I think about all the work I have to do, I either feel very panicky or I just want to sleep. I’m sick to death of all the B.S. Sometimes I’d like to just say to hell with it. But, unfortunately, in order to pursue my career, I do have to get a university degree.

Now I’m not so optimistic.

February

I’ve been trying to study for my psych midterm but I just can’t seem to get motivated. I know I should be studying my brains out but every time I siet down to do it, my mind wanders to other things. This is a pretty sad situation considering the fact that I want to major in psychology. I like the course but I have absolutely no energy.
__________

No wonder it’s called the February blues. I just can’t wait until reading break.
__________

I feel kind of guilty. I haven’t missed a class all year and this week I skipped three. Monday the weather was bad and I only had one class, so I didn’t go. Wednesday I had three hours off before my English lecture so I didn’t go to the lecture. Thursday I hadn’t read a 256 page book for my history tutorial because I didn’t know about it until Wednesday and I didn’t have time to read it because I was studying for psych. I guess I could have gone to all of these classes, but I had other things to do and I just didn’t feel like going.
__________

I finally got some information for my history essay. Now, I just have to get motivated and write it. I just don’t feel like doing anything.
__________

At last I feel like I’ve accomplished something. Today, I sat down and wrote the rough copy of my history essay. It took me about six hours altogether. I must have been on a roll. For the first time in about a month I feel like I’ve accomplished something, and it feels good.
__________

Except for my history essay, my reading break was a total waste. I got almost nothing done. The only thing I did do was get caught up on my sleep. I probably would have done more work if I had been going to class. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just can’t seem to make myself sit down and get to work. I’ll be glad when the year is over.

March

Finally some good news in my life. I got 87% on my psych midterm and 90% on an anthropology quiz. I was really worried about psych because I didn’t think I’d studied enough. I guess I knew it better than I thought I did.
__________

I took yesterday off (I only had two classes) because I figured that I could get a lot more done. Fortunately, I was right. I typed out the whole rough copy of an essay and the whole good copy of my lab. Boy, did I ever have cramps in my wrist by the time I was done, not to mention a splitting headache. But I felt good. I had gotten a lot of work done finally. I guess I’ll be able to struggle through the rest of the year after all. The thing I really dread is exams. Oh well, one thing at a time I guess.

April

I’m really starting to feel panicky. I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels and not getting anything done. The crying fits are starting again. Sometimes I wonder if I was cut out for university. I feel so pressured, not only by my family, but more so by myself. I left home a Golden Child but it has been hard to maintain that image. I was used to marks in the 90s but now I struggle for marks in the 80s. Maybe the goals I’ve set for myself are too unrealistic.

May

Looking back on the year, I guess it wasn’t all that bad (although it seemed like it at the time). I had a lot of things to learn and a lot of growing up to do.

The biggest thing I had to learn to do was to organize my time. Without organization, there was no possible way to get anything done. If there had just been readings to do, everything would have been fine, but essays, exams, labs and tests kept getting in the way (not to mention a personal life). Balance between school work and a personal life is very important. Too much school work and you lose your sanity. Too much personal life and you flunk.

I’m not saying it’s easy to find that balance. Your personal life is infinitely more attractive and it’s hard to get down to work sometimes. First term I may have partied too hard, spent too much money and stayed out too late, but after getting some marks back I quickly realized that something had to change.

Another thing I learned was how to deal with my procrastination habit. If I put everything off, I had to deal with it the night before the deadline. I soon learned not to procrastinate as much as I was tempted to.

Finally I had to learn what was absolutely essential, moderately essential, and definitely non-essential. You just can’t do absolutely everything that you professors would like you to do. You have to decide how necessary each item is; a bonus I didn’t expect was that once I’d done that, it was much easier to organize my time.

A few last words from someone who has been through it: you feel rotten sometimes, you feel great at other times; but remember: if you keep working you’ll get through. You can meet your expectations but you have to realize that University is much different than high school and that 70’s and 80’s can be good marks! You can’t stress yourself out; you’ll just drag yourself down. So don’t stress, work hard, have fun, and make some time for yourself. Summer does eventually come.

June

I got my final marks back today, and they weren’t too bad. My overall average was 79%. My highest mark was 88% in psychology. I guess all the worrying I did all year wasn’t really necessary, although I don’t see how I could have avoided it. Unfortunately, I couldn’t always achieve the ever-elusive mark of 80%. Well, at least my anxiety is over, and I didn’t do as badly as I thought I would.

I received a very nice letter today from the Chairman of the Psychology Department congratulating me on scoring in the 99th percentile in psychology. And although I had doubts during the year, I definitely plan to major in psychology.