A New Beginning

After I dropped out of my first year of university, I came home. It was late January. I knew that I was planning on going to university again so I applied as soon as I could to one of the ones I had liked and applied to the year before.

I had loved the campus when I visited and I loved the city; it was a smaller university and a smaller city than the one I had left and it was more like where I come from with nearby parks, people playing football and walking about. You never saw that at my other university and you certainly didn’t see any parks or greenery because it was right in the middle of a big city. But when I had been accepted at that university, I hadn’t expected it and was so excited that I immediately said yes without even visiting the campus. Big mistake. If you want to hear more about it, read my other story called “Learning Disability? Use What's There for You ”.

So I applied to this university and got early acceptance which shocked me because a lot of other places, including two universities which had offered me scholarships the year before, wouldn’t even consider my application since I had dropped out from a university already. This university was great; they accepted me and they offered me the same amount of entrance scholarship that they had offered me the year before.

But this time, I went to visit the university before I started school and I went to the Centre for Students with Disabilities to talk to a counsellor. She gave me forms and advised me on what I would have to do once I registered for my classes, how I would fill out forms, what I would need to do after. She advised me to speak to my profs to inform them about my disability. She told me that often, profs won’t slot a large enough time for midterms so it’s important to know that ahead of time because I need time and a half and would have to arrange that. So a lot of the time, we have to be in contact with the prof directly or by email to establish the times. And many times profs don’t know the schedule ahead of time so you have to email them halfway through the year. It was helpful for the counsellor to tell me all of this. But it was up to me to go. You have to ask because they are not going to help you if you don’t want the help. It’s not high school and they are not going to chase after you. They won’t even know you have a disability or know anything about you if you don’t go to them. You have to be the one that recognizes that you need the help.

The Centre does post flyers and my advisor did mention it during frosh week. They tell you to come see them either if you have a disability or if you suspect you have a disability. Because I hadn't been tested for my disability since grade 6, the Centre arranged for me to be retested.

At this university, you have to register with the Centre every semester and you have to register every course, exam and midterm. They make accommodations for you such as time and a half for exams, getting to write in a quiet place, being able to get up and walk around, sometimes being able to take four courses instead of five (I took summer courses online to make up for this). I don’t usually need the extra time and a half for exams and have only used it once. But it’s there if I need it which is comforting and reduces anxiety. It has been very helpful for me to not have to write in a gym or large classroom.

It's surprising to lots of people how many students are registered with the Centre for Students with Disabilities -- maybe one or two in each classroom. They keep our names confidential, but there is a focus on what supports we need. A lot of money has been sent our way, and from my standpoint, it's worth it. We are different in ways that are hard for people (including us!) to understand. Our minds may work differently, and for us to achieve all that we're capable of, the difference has to be recognized and accommodated. We're less easy to recognize than people with wheelchairs or who are blind, but we're disabled too. When I think about it, I'm lucky to be a member of the first generation of students to get this kind of help. Previous generations didn't make it this far, or if they did, they dropped out. Everyone thought they were just no good -- including themselves.

My friend has dyslexia and he received a great amount of support through the Centre. He needed a lot of time to write exams because putting words together was very difficult for him. Some people think it’s stupid and silly and that we don’t need the help. I used to think I didn’t need it but I have changed my mind. Support is there, we can benefit from it, and so we should take advantage of it.

The only problem I had at this university was my anxiety. It started right after orientation week and I began to have panic attacks. Internally, I was so afraid that the same thing that happened at the other university was going to happen here – that I wouldn’t be able to do it and would have to drop out again. And I was very scared because I knew financially I couldn’t afford to do that again. My parents and I lost a lot of money from that first experience. When you realize that and know that this is the end and that you have to succeed this time, it is very scary.

The anxiety lasted about three or four weeks that first semester. I was throwing up every morning. Everyone else looked so happy and was talking about how happy they were. I later learned that what people portray often isn’t reality. But I didn’t know that then. I was so sure that I wouldn’t be able to do it like last time.

I tried to spend lots of time with other people and not be by myself thinking about it. This was good because I made a lot of friends. I would call my mom as soon as I woke up, upset, and she would be there to listen to me, get me up and going, to get dressed and out the door to class. I was very lucky that I had very strong support from my parents; I could call them any time of the day or night. And believe me: I did.

It took about a month for the anxiety to go away. I did go to see the counsellors at the Centre and they were great. I saw one in particular for a few months and she really helped me get through it. She also referred me to the doctor to find out if my medications needed to be adjusted or if I was suffering from depression, which I wasn’t. I had been taking anti-anxiety medication for years but this doctor also prescribed a relaxant. It made me tired but better to feel tired than anxious. I started taking it morning and night but wanted to be careful because it is an addictive medication. Then I went to once a day. And then I was feeling better enough to stop. The counsellor had told me that it would just take time for me and I knew that. I started to relax and get used to things and the anxiety slowly went away.

If I hadn’t had my mother to talk to, I'd have needed the Centre a lot more. I got a lot of support from the counsellor, friends and my parents combined. Underneath it all, I knew I liked the university and the people and would get through it. People were friendly. And once I calmed down and adapted to everything, I realized that I had met so many people and made so many friends because I wasn’t hiding in my room, even though I had felt like doing that when the anxiety was so bad. It’s a truly awful feeling.

I enjoyed the rest of that first year but even so, I thought I might switch schools again. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a different program and I was thinking of attending a university closer to home. I even though about taking a semester off. But then I realized that I truly did want to go back and get my university degree. My marks were decent and I liked it there. This time, I didn’t speak to the counsellors. But I knew they were there if I had wanted to, and that made a lot of difference.

Second year here, my living situation sucked. I had taken so long to decide I was going to return to the school, I only arranged for my housing in August. So I ended up living with people I didn’t know in a place I had never seen. When I got there, the people seemed okay but they turned out to be nasty, sloppy, and beyond the point of disgusting, walking around in stuff that I didn’t need to see them walking around in, screaming and up until 5 am. I’d wake up at 8 am to the smell of weed. I didn’t want that. I did experience some anxiety again, had a lot of trouble at Christmas and debated trying to get out of my lease. But the period of anxiety was shorter this time and I didn’t bother to move because I had a great network of friends and I wasn’t spending very much time at that house; I only used it to sleep. My friends kept me going, my classes were good, and my marks were, well, okay. It was funny that my living situation was so much worse than the year before but this year was my best university year. Accommodations don’t mean anything unless you are not happy. If you are happy, they become a minor thing.

Second year was my best year because of the friendships. Once you know these people for a year, it makes a big difference when you go back again. Even though we were all apart for the summer, when we got back together again, it was great.

Getting involved in sports helped because it kept me occupied and not thinking about all my worries and fears. When I came to this university, all I wanted to do was succeed. I wanted to pass my first year, I wanted to meet new people, I wanted to get involved, I wanted to do as much as I could because I had failed the year before. So I wanted to start over. I had looked at my university drop out experience my previous year as a failure and wanted to barf everytime I thought about it. But now I kind of look at it like a stepping stone. My parents could tell me as much as they wanted that they were still proud of me but it didn’t matter when I still felt like a failure. I really think it’s a learning process.

I am confident that this year will be fine. I am living with four good friends in a nice apartment building with friends down the hall, below me and in an apartment on the other street. So I am really excited. I feel like it is finally all tying together: the social life, the schoolwork and the nice place to live.