I Dropped A Course

In my first year, I constantly doubted whether I knew what I was doing, and I kept second-guessing myself. It was scary to think that I come this far by being accepted into a prestigious University with a scholarship, yet in most of my courses I didn’t understand what my profs were saying. Feeling so completely unprepared was a shock. I had taken extra classes and programs in high school and the summer after high school but it’s a different thing to hear about something than to experience it for yourself.

It also didn’t help when people would put you down. During our first week, one of the senior girls would tell people “You’re not going to do well. You think you were good in high school? Well you’re not going to do well here”. I also had an advisor who told me I wasn’t prepared after talking to me for about two minutes; all I had said to her was that in high school I was used to getting straight As and working hard and figured that the workload here would only be a little bit harder. So she concluded from that one conversation that I wasn’t prepared and would probably fail.

I felt fairly alone my first semester. I am black and had not participated in the summer program that they offer which consists mostly of minority students. As a result, I felt that when I got here, they had already formed their cliques and their friends, and so I found it very hard to make my own friends. I felt that everyone else was adjusting well but me, even though we really weren't close enough for us to be talking about our personal issues. Everyone else seemed to be having fun and they seemed generally satisfied. And I felt very alone, like I was this little fish in a big pond. I felt lost and I think university is a place you can get lost very easily because it's so huge.

Around November, when things were getting down to the last assignments and studying for finals, I realized I was completely hopelessly lost. I had been reluctant to go to TAs for help earlier on; I felt intimidated because they seemed like geniuses. So I didn’t go, and the result was that I got lost. I also could have called my dad for help since he is an engineer and good in sciences. But I didn’t. I didn’t admit what was happening to my parents or to friends back home. I felt sick to my stomach every day.

I remember that a prof wrote on one of my quizzes “if you don’t do better than this, you are going to fail this class”. I couldn’t understand why she wrote that on my quiz in red ink when I already knew that. Like duh.

I did poorly on my midterms, and finally went to a TA. Unfortunately I got an unhelpful one who made it seem like I didn’t need help at all and knew the material. But I did need help. I then spoke to an advisor who suggested that I withdraw from one of my courses, even though it was past the drop out deadline. So I ended up withdrawing from a class that I needed for my major.

Even though I was having difficulty with a few of my courses, that was the worst one. I didn’t really understand how the prof was teaching; his style wasn't conducive to my learning. He was distant and from the first he seemed to have his favorites, almost like he knew them before. His quizzes were ridiculously hard. We didn't have a book because he was in the process of writing a new one so he sent us the chapters over the summer for us to print out. The book was hard as it was a graduate student level and I barely understood what he was saying. So I dropped the course.

After I dropped that course, I felt even more like a loser. Whenever I walked by the building that the course was in, I felt sick. And I still didn’t tell anyone.

Looking back, I know now that I wasn't alone. We have counselling on campus which I did during my second semester and they told me that thousands of students use their services each semester. I learned that most people feel the same way during their first year, even though they don’t show it. Everyone is on the same level. If you got accepted to this university, then you deserve to be here and you will probably do fine. People doubt themselves all the time, and it's a normal feeling, especially since the profs throw the really difficult stuff at you right from the beginning to weed people out. It helps to make friends and then you know that people are in the same boat. I normally keep my grades private so I didn’t really share how I was feeling or doing. Maybe if I had, I would have realized I wasn’t alone in my feelings.

I found out that that girl who was putting everyone down during our first week was doing it because she hadn’t done well. And the advisor who concluded that I would likely fail apparently puts everyone down because she was a biology major who had wanted to be a doctor but didn’t make it. I learned that some people get off on trying to prove they are better than others and it usually is the ones who do this who are struggling as much as you are. I also learned that sometimes the people who look the most well adjusted and the happiest are struggling the most, but just not admitting it. There was this guy in one of my first semester science classes who would be chatting with everyone when I came in; he seemed so happy. All I could think was "why is he so happy and confident and I am such a loser?". He ended up dropping out of university completely; it was all a front.

I realized that one of my biggest mistakes in the first semester was not reviewing my notes daily. I would go to the lectures and when the lecture was over, I wouldn’t look at the material unless I had an assignment to do or a test coming up. But usually it was too late by that time. So it is a matter of keeping current with what the prof is teaching so that if there is a question, you can go to a TA right away to make sure you get it cleared up right away before you get lost.

I learned that sometimes people do drop out of programs or courses and feel like failures at the time. But often they ended up in a different program which suits them much better. There are so many options out there for you so don’t think that any one thing is all you want to do or can do.

My second semester turned around very well. One of the things I did was enrol in a class called Critical Reading and Writing, but basically it was about study skills and time management to help you study in college. If I had known that class was there in the fall, I would have signed up for it. And if I had reached out and spoken with TAs or advisors or other students before it was too late, I would have found out about the course and things might have been different for me.

So it was a really hard experience for me. Now I don’t get too disappointed if I see a lower mark. I would still like it to be higher but as long as I am seeing improvement, I am happy. I know I belong here.