After I dropped out of my first year of university, I came home. It was late January. I knew that I was planning on going to university again so I applied as soon as I could to one of the ones I had liked and applied to the year before.
I had loved the campus when I visited and I loved the city; it was a smaller university and a smaller city than the one I had left and it was more like where I come from with nearby parks, people playing football and walking about. You never saw that at my other university and you certainly didn’t see any parks or greenery because it was right in the middle of a big city. But when I had been accepted at that university, I hadn’t expected it and was so excited that I immediately said yes without even visiting the campus. Big mistake. If you want to hear more about it, read my other story called “Learning Disability? Use What's There for You ”.
So I applied to this university and got early acceptance which shocked me because a lot of other places, including two universities which had offered me scholarships the year before, wouldn’t even consider my application since I had dropped out from a university already. This university was great; they accepted me and they offered me the same amount of entrance scholarship that they had offered me the year before.
But this time, I went to visit the university before I started school and I went to the Centre for Students with Disabilities to talk to a counsellor. She gave me forms and advised me on what I would have to do once I registered for my classes, how I would fill out forms, what I would need to do after. She advised me to speak to my profs to inform them about my disability. She told me that often, profs won’t slot a large enough time for midterms so it’s important to know that ahead of time because I need time and a half and would have to arrange that. So a lot of the time, we have to be in contact with the prof directly or by email to establish the times. And many times profs don’t know the schedule ahead of time so you have to email them halfway through the year. It was helpful for the counsellor to tell me all of this. But it was up to me to go. You have to ask because they are not going to help you if you don’t want the help. It’s not high school and they are not going to chase after you. They won’t even know you have a disability or know anything about you if you don’t go to them. You have to be the one that recognizes that you need the help.
The Centre does post flyers and my advisor did mention it during frosh week. They tell you to come see them either if you have a disability or if you suspect you have a disability. Because I hadn't been tested for my disability since grade 6, the Centre arranged for me to be retested.
At this university, you have to register with the Centre every semester and you have to register every course, exam and midterm. They make accommodations for you such as time and a half for exams, getting to write in a quiet place, being able to get up and walk around, sometimes being able to take four courses instead of five (I took summer courses online to make up for this). I don’t usually need the extra time and a half for exams and have only used it once. But it’s there if I need it which is comforting and reduces anxiety. It has been very helpful for me to not have to write in a gym or large classroom.
It's surprising to lots of people how many students are registered with the Centre for Students with Disabilities -- maybe one or two in each classroom. They keep our names confidential, but there is a focus on what supports we need. A lot of money has been sent our way, and from my standpoint, it's worth it. We are different in ways that are hard for people (including us!) to understand. Our minds may work differently, and for us to achieve all that we're capable of, the difference has to be recognized and accommodated. We're less easy to recognize than people with wheelchairs or who are blind, but we're disabled too. When I think about it, I'm lucky to be a member of the first generation of students to get this kind of help. Previous generations didn't make it this far, or if they did, they dropped out. Everyone thought they were just no good -- including themselves.
My friend has dyslexia and he received a great amount of support through the Centre. He needed a lot of time to write exams because putting words together was very difficult for him. Some people think it’s stupid and silly and that we don’t need the help. I used to think I didn’t need it but I have changed my mind. Support is there, we can benefit from it, and so we should take advantage of it.
The only problem I had at this university was my anxiety. It started right after orientation week and I began to have panic attacks. Internally, I was so afraid that the same thing that happened at the other university was going to happen here – that I wouldn’t be able to do it and would have to drop out again. And I was very scared because I knew financially I couldn’t afford to do that again. My parents and I lost a lot of money from that first experience. When you realize that and know that this is the end and that you have to succeed this time, it is very scary.
The anxiety lasted about three or four weeks that first semester. I was throwing up every morning. Everyone else looked so happy and was talking about how happy they were. I later learned that what people portray often isn’t reality. But I didn’t know that then. I was so sure that I wouldn’t be able to do it like last time.
I tried to spend lots of time with other people and not be by myself thinking about it. This was good because I made a lot of friends. I would call my mom as soon as I woke up, upset, and she would be there to listen to me, get me up and going, to get dressed and out the door to class. I was very lucky that I had very strong support from my parents; I could call them any time of the day or night. And believe me: I did.
It took about a month for the anxiety to go away. I did go to see the counsellors at the Centre and they were great. I saw one in particular for a few months and she really helped me get through it. She also referred me to the doctor to find out if my medications needed to be adjusted or if I was suffering from depression, which I wasn’t. I had been taking anti-anxiety medication for years but this doctor also prescribed a relaxant. It made me tired but better to feel tired than anxious. I started taking it morning and night but wanted to be careful because it is an addictive medication. Then I went to once a day. And then I was feeling better enough to stop. The counsellor had told me that it would just take time for me and I knew that. I started to relax and get used to things and the anxiety slowly went away.
If I hadn’t had my mother to talk to, I'd have needed the Centre a lot more. I got a lot of support from the counsellor, friends and my parents combined. Underneath it all, I knew I liked the university and the people and would get through it. People were friendly. And once I calmed down and adapted to everything, I realized that I had met so many people and made so many friends because I wasn’t hiding in my room, even though I had felt like doing that when the anxiety was so bad. It’s a truly awful feeling.
I enjoyed the rest of that first year but even so, I thought I might switch schools again. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a different program and I was thinking of attending a university closer to home. I even though about taking a semester off. But then I realized that I truly did want to go back and get my university degree. My marks were decent and I liked it there. This time, I didn’t speak to the counsellors. But I knew they were there if I had wanted to, and that made a lot of difference.
Second year here, my living situation sucked. I had taken so long to decide I was going to return to the school, I only arranged for my housing in August. So I ended up living with people I didn’t know in a place I had never seen. When I got there, the people seemed okay but they turned out to be nasty, sloppy, and beyond the point of disgusting, walking around in stuff that I didn’t need to see them walking around in, screaming and up until 5 am. I’d wake up at 8 am to the smell of weed. I didn’t want that. I did experience some anxiety again, had a lot of trouble at Christmas and debated trying to get out of my lease. But the period of anxiety was shorter this time and I didn’t bother to move because I had a great network of friends and I wasn’t spending very much time at that house; I only used it to sleep. My friends kept me going, my classes were good, and my marks were, well, okay. It was funny that my living situation was so much worse than the year before but this year was my best university year. Accommodations don’t mean anything unless you are not happy. If you are happy, they become a minor thing.
Second year was my best year because of the friendships. Once you know these people for a year, it makes a big difference when you go back again. Even though we were all apart for the summer, when we got back together again, it was great.
Getting involved in sports helped because it kept me occupied and not thinking about all my worries and fears. When I came to this university, all I wanted to do was succeed. I wanted to pass my first year, I wanted to meet new people, I wanted to get involved, I wanted to do as much as I could because I had failed the year before. So I wanted to start over. I had looked at my university drop out experience my previous year as a failure and wanted to barf everytime I thought about it. But now I kind of look at it like a stepping stone. My parents could tell me as much as they wanted that they were still proud of me but it didn’t matter when I still felt like a failure. I really think it’s a learning process.
I am confident that this year will be fine. I am living with four good friends in a nice apartment building with friends down the hall, below me and in an apartment on the other street. So I am really excited. I feel like it is finally all tying together: the social life, the schoolwork and the nice place to live.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Learning Disability? Use What's There for You
I was accepted into a very prestigious university and accepted immediately. I thought, wow, this is awesome.
But I didn’t use the Centre for Students with Disabilities at all and that was a big mistake.
I was originally diagnosed with ADHD in grade 6 and then later, panic and anxiety as well. When I first got to university, I didn’t have trouble with anxiety at all because I was so excited. Of course, I knew about the Centre for Students with Disabilities, but they didn't do much by way of an introduction. Here's where I made my big mistake: you have to initiate it yourself. And I didn't.
Here I was in my first midterm, for a three hour exam in a huge room crammed with students. Everything seemed to be moving around me, everyone was fidgety, and there was no way to move. In high school, I could get extra time for tests and exams; I could get up, take a walk around, stretch, relax a bit. But I never realized how important that was, or even that I needed it. I couldn’t focus enough to sit there and finish the exam. So I never did finish it.
I failed my very first exam; I had never done so poorly on an exam in my life.
After midterms, I was passing all my courses, but not doing great. Mid sixties, high sixties, low seventies -- nothing that I would have to run away from. But I really wasn’t enjoying myself at all. The campus was too big: it took me forty minutes to walk to one of my classes, and there were no buses on campus. So you walk everywhere, and that takes a long time out of your day. There were other classes that you had to take the subway to, which also took up time. It was a big difference from living in my small town.
I realized I wasn’t happy and I discussed it with a few people. But when I came home at Christmas, it really sunk in. Then I went back to the University after the break and I thought to myself, I don’t want to do this anymore. So I called my mom and told her that I didn’t like this, didn’t want to keep doing this and thought I needed to do something different.
My mom came down and we went to a counsellor at the Centre for Students with Disabilities. That was the first and only time I ever went there. The lady suggested that I just do a clean drop-- drop right out of the university and then use my high school marks, mostly 90s, to get into a different university the next year. If I tried to transfer, my university marks wouldn’t get me in because they were mostly 60s.
On one hand, I am not sure if the result would have been any different had I gone to the Centre earlier. The city was too big, I didn’t like the atmosphere of the university, I didn’t like the people. It was very competitive, very cut throat, a lot of people were very rich and a lot of them had extremely different life styles than I had ever had. I hated my roommates as they were really untidy and dirty, but snobby too; one of them was a stripper by night, another didn’t speak any English, and I never saw the other one because she was taking seven courses, which was unheard of. All of this combined made for an awful experience. It was just not my life and not what I wanted for myself.
On the other hand, if I had gone to the Centre, my marks may have been a little better and I might have been able to transfer to another university rather than drop out. Maybe the whole process would have been less stressful and not as awful for me.
So my advice would be: if you have a disability, go straight to the centre and talk to them. It is up to you. They won’t know you have a diagnosis unless you tell them. They won’t know anything about you so get permission from your doctor to send the university your paperwork or they will not be aware of your situation. That’s what I did when I started my first year at a different university the next year. But that’s another story.
But I didn’t use the Centre for Students with Disabilities at all and that was a big mistake.
I was originally diagnosed with ADHD in grade 6 and then later, panic and anxiety as well. When I first got to university, I didn’t have trouble with anxiety at all because I was so excited. Of course, I knew about the Centre for Students with Disabilities, but they didn't do much by way of an introduction. Here's where I made my big mistake: you have to initiate it yourself. And I didn't.
Here I was in my first midterm, for a three hour exam in a huge room crammed with students. Everything seemed to be moving around me, everyone was fidgety, and there was no way to move. In high school, I could get extra time for tests and exams; I could get up, take a walk around, stretch, relax a bit. But I never realized how important that was, or even that I needed it. I couldn’t focus enough to sit there and finish the exam. So I never did finish it.
I failed my very first exam; I had never done so poorly on an exam in my life.
After midterms, I was passing all my courses, but not doing great. Mid sixties, high sixties, low seventies -- nothing that I would have to run away from. But I really wasn’t enjoying myself at all. The campus was too big: it took me forty minutes to walk to one of my classes, and there were no buses on campus. So you walk everywhere, and that takes a long time out of your day. There were other classes that you had to take the subway to, which also took up time. It was a big difference from living in my small town.
I realized I wasn’t happy and I discussed it with a few people. But when I came home at Christmas, it really sunk in. Then I went back to the University after the break and I thought to myself, I don’t want to do this anymore. So I called my mom and told her that I didn’t like this, didn’t want to keep doing this and thought I needed to do something different.
My mom came down and we went to a counsellor at the Centre for Students with Disabilities. That was the first and only time I ever went there. The lady suggested that I just do a clean drop-- drop right out of the university and then use my high school marks, mostly 90s, to get into a different university the next year. If I tried to transfer, my university marks wouldn’t get me in because they were mostly 60s.
On one hand, I am not sure if the result would have been any different had I gone to the Centre earlier. The city was too big, I didn’t like the atmosphere of the university, I didn’t like the people. It was very competitive, very cut throat, a lot of people were very rich and a lot of them had extremely different life styles than I had ever had. I hated my roommates as they were really untidy and dirty, but snobby too; one of them was a stripper by night, another didn’t speak any English, and I never saw the other one because she was taking seven courses, which was unheard of. All of this combined made for an awful experience. It was just not my life and not what I wanted for myself.
On the other hand, if I had gone to the Centre, my marks may have been a little better and I might have been able to transfer to another university rather than drop out. Maybe the whole process would have been less stressful and not as awful for me.
So my advice would be: if you have a disability, go straight to the centre and talk to them. It is up to you. They won’t know you have a diagnosis unless you tell them. They won’t know anything about you so get permission from your doctor to send the university your paperwork or they will not be aware of your situation. That’s what I did when I started my first year at a different university the next year. But that’s another story.
Just Leave Me Alone
I am tired of people wanting to talk to me about my disability. I am inundated with email requests from people or organizations who want me to fill out some survey or attend some meeting. It annoys me.
Since I am registered with the Centre for Students with Disabilities, they pass on emails and requests. I don’t necessarily think the Centre expects us to follow up but they are required to forward this stuff to us automatically. They send the emails individually so it’s not like everyone sees other people’s email addresses. It is all very private and maybe there is nothing wrong with that. I just don’t feel like responding. I guess I could take my name off their mailing list though.
I think that it’s nice that people are curious enough to want to understand and learn about our disabilities but I feel that if people are sending me an email, then they are not really that interested as opposed to someone standing there . If I want to talk to someone I don’t know, they need to ask me in person. But then again, I don’t really need to talk to them because I have already been speaking with counsellors at the Centre. Why would I respond to someone I don’t know when I can talk perfectly fine to somebody I do know?
When I receive dozens of emails from unknown people, how do I know if it’s junk mail or not? At one time, many of us received emails to our university account pretending to be from the Centre and requesting our names and passwords. These emails weren’t from the centre yet many people stupidly replied with their personal information and then people got into their accounts. You have to be really careful about and aware of stuff like this.
Since I am registered with the Centre for Students with Disabilities, they pass on emails and requests. I don’t necessarily think the Centre expects us to follow up but they are required to forward this stuff to us automatically. They send the emails individually so it’s not like everyone sees other people’s email addresses. It is all very private and maybe there is nothing wrong with that. I just don’t feel like responding. I guess I could take my name off their mailing list though.
I think that it’s nice that people are curious enough to want to understand and learn about our disabilities but I feel that if people are sending me an email, then they are not really that interested as opposed to someone standing there . If I want to talk to someone I don’t know, they need to ask me in person. But then again, I don’t really need to talk to them because I have already been speaking with counsellors at the Centre. Why would I respond to someone I don’t know when I can talk perfectly fine to somebody I do know?
When I receive dozens of emails from unknown people, how do I know if it’s junk mail or not? At one time, many of us received emails to our university account pretending to be from the Centre and requesting our names and passwords. These emails weren’t from the centre yet many people stupidly replied with their personal information and then people got into their accounts. You have to be really careful about and aware of stuff like this.
Housing Problems
My first year of university, there was an unprecedented number of students coming so the university had to combine some single rooms into doubles. As well, many people didn’t get into residence. I was fortunate enough to get in and I think my disabilities helped since I had indicated on my forms my preference in residence. For example, I needed a single room. I think that was taken into consideration because I did get in and I did get a single room.
But when I was looking for a house for my second year, I didn’t start until the middle of August. There were over 2000 new students who didn’t get into residence which was insane. I joined a facebook group looking for roommates. There were so many people looking for places to live that the school stepped in and started buying residences and renting them out to first years. The housing situation was that bad.
This last summer, I had to pay for three places to live. My first year residence lease went from September to August but I wanted to live with certain friends my second year. The lease started in May and the only way I could secure a place with them was to start paying in May. So I had four months where I had to pay for two places. I could have stayed at my original place if I had wanted to and renewed the lease; then I wouldn’t have had the four month overlap. But I chose not to because I didn’t like the guys I was living with and the girl from the basement was going back home because she hated it here. So my share of the rent would have increased.
To make it worse, I couldn’t get a summer job and had to return home. My parents had moved so I couldn’t stay with them. So I ended up staying with friends and having to pay a third rent. Granted, it was a small amount, but it was still more than I could afford.
You are really stuck because leases start at different times and you can’t get a place without signing a lease. But paying three rents in one summer was something I would not want to repeat ever again.
But when I was looking for a house for my second year, I didn’t start until the middle of August. There were over 2000 new students who didn’t get into residence which was insane. I joined a facebook group looking for roommates. There were so many people looking for places to live that the school stepped in and started buying residences and renting them out to first years. The housing situation was that bad.
This last summer, I had to pay for three places to live. My first year residence lease went from September to August but I wanted to live with certain friends my second year. The lease started in May and the only way I could secure a place with them was to start paying in May. So I had four months where I had to pay for two places. I could have stayed at my original place if I had wanted to and renewed the lease; then I wouldn’t have had the four month overlap. But I chose not to because I didn’t like the guys I was living with and the girl from the basement was going back home because she hated it here. So my share of the rent would have increased.
To make it worse, I couldn’t get a summer job and had to return home. My parents had moved so I couldn’t stay with them. So I ended up staying with friends and having to pay a third rent. Granted, it was a small amount, but it was still more than I could afford.
You are really stuck because leases start at different times and you can’t get a place without signing a lease. But paying three rents in one summer was something I would not want to repeat ever again.
Changed Relationships
I attend one of the most prestigious Universities in the country, and have lost touch with most of the people I went to high school with. I am sad about that, but I find that we don't connect in the same way anymore -- especially the friends who went to more laid back universities. I do still keep in touch with three really good friends and with them, it's somewhat the same. If someone treats you differently, then they are probably not that much of a friend. I learned who my true friends were.
Most of the kids I went to high school with are hard working people; it's just that the universities that they have gone to are definitely not as hard as this one. A lot of people are still trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives; one girl I know has changed her major five times and is still in school, unsure. Another friend parties all the time at her university. Here, we do enjoy our parties on the weekends, but we don't do parties in the middle of the week; everyone understands that the week is for working.
Even when we studied for our semester abroad, there were people from various universities there who were not doing work at all and it was like they were only there on vacation.
Our classes are rigorous and large. My chem class has 600 students and when I talk to my friends about that, they are shocked that someone can learn in a big environment like that.
I have tapped into the resources around me. I feel that I am being groomed by mentors, people who were in that field and will reach out to me and suggest internships and things to do over the summer, people I should talk to for more career development. So I feel very focused; when I go back home, I see a lot of friends who are not really sure about their majors or their future career paths.
One of my friends is a psych major and when I ask her what she wants to do with it, she tells me that she doesn't know; she just likes studying there right now so that's what she is going to do. Yes it's okay to love your studies but I feel that you should connect it to what you want to do in the long term.
Sometimes people who you don't know you as well do treat you differently. I was in a bar this summer and one of the guys rolled his eyes at me and identified my University -- and me -- in somewhat of a disdainful voice. That pissed me off because if he hadn't known what University I go to, he would have just thought I was like everyone else. I also went to a grad party for a friend and saw some people from my church who I hadn't seen in a while. When they heard I was coming here, even though I wasn't acting any differently, it was as if I was somehow untouchable. It's sad that you get that reaction from people our age who don't know you well. It's not a major thing: sometimes you see it but I wouldn't say it happens all the time. On the other hand, we get a different kind of reaction from parents' friends or family; they certainly look at us in a positive way.
It's something I can live with. When I think about it, I realize that I'm not the one with the problem. I'm happy being here, with working so hard, with being successful in an environment as rigorous as this. I know that others recognize this University for what it is, including future potential employers. And that's a thought that completely overcomes these few difficult moments.
Most of the kids I went to high school with are hard working people; it's just that the universities that they have gone to are definitely not as hard as this one. A lot of people are still trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives; one girl I know has changed her major five times and is still in school, unsure. Another friend parties all the time at her university. Here, we do enjoy our parties on the weekends, but we don't do parties in the middle of the week; everyone understands that the week is for working.
Even when we studied for our semester abroad, there were people from various universities there who were not doing work at all and it was like they were only there on vacation.
Our classes are rigorous and large. My chem class has 600 students and when I talk to my friends about that, they are shocked that someone can learn in a big environment like that.
I have tapped into the resources around me. I feel that I am being groomed by mentors, people who were in that field and will reach out to me and suggest internships and things to do over the summer, people I should talk to for more career development. So I feel very focused; when I go back home, I see a lot of friends who are not really sure about their majors or their future career paths.
One of my friends is a psych major and when I ask her what she wants to do with it, she tells me that she doesn't know; she just likes studying there right now so that's what she is going to do. Yes it's okay to love your studies but I feel that you should connect it to what you want to do in the long term.
Sometimes people who you don't know you as well do treat you differently. I was in a bar this summer and one of the guys rolled his eyes at me and identified my University -- and me -- in somewhat of a disdainful voice. That pissed me off because if he hadn't known what University I go to, he would have just thought I was like everyone else. I also went to a grad party for a friend and saw some people from my church who I hadn't seen in a while. When they heard I was coming here, even though I wasn't acting any differently, it was as if I was somehow untouchable. It's sad that you get that reaction from people our age who don't know you well. It's not a major thing: sometimes you see it but I wouldn't say it happens all the time. On the other hand, we get a different kind of reaction from parents' friends or family; they certainly look at us in a positive way.
It's something I can live with. When I think about it, I realize that I'm not the one with the problem. I'm happy being here, with working so hard, with being successful in an environment as rigorous as this. I know that others recognize this University for what it is, including future potential employers. And that's a thought that completely overcomes these few difficult moments.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
A Really Scary Situation
I had a really scary situation my first year at University, my first night there. The most likely reason for what happened was that something was put into my drink. There is a possibility that I just drank too much but I don’t think so. I ended up sleeping with someone unprotected and completely unaware of it. I assume it was unprotected as I don’t remember. A really scary thing to happen your first night of university and your first night away from home.
I woke up the next morning and I could feel it. I was back upstairs in my room somehow and I just didn’t feel right. My insides were twisting, I had to go to the bathroom and I felt like I was going to puke at the same time. I knew something was wrong but I fell back asleep and started having flashbacks of the night before. Then I woke up and remembered some of it. But I couldn’t move at first.
My parents and best friend were still in the city so I called them to say I didn’t really know what happened but I needed to go to the hospital. By 9 am when they came to get me, they had to half drag me there. But it was too late to do any testing because I’d slept through the night and in any case I had showered. I was so scared, I was crying, I was petrified.
Later that day, I decided to try to talk to the guy about it. I knew what we had been drinking and who I was talking to before anything happened but I didn’t know who I had been with. So I went to their room to ask them what happened the night before. I ended up speaking to the guy. He was very honest, he said that he was very drunk, he did have a girlfriend so he was very upset by this. I concluded that if something was put in my drink, it probably wasn't done by any of the people who lived there.
At that point, I began to feel better. My mother couldn't understand that. At first I was shocked but then I thought to myself that there was no point in ruining my life over this incident. I had been cleared of anything that could go wrong such as STDs. The guy was nice and he didn't have bad intentions. So I told myself that I was not going to dwell on it and let it destroy my life. There was just no point.
Maybe I am unusual but I feel that I recovered from this incident. It did take a year and a new university to do it though. Now, if I heard this happened to someone else, I would probably advise them to go to counselling. It would certainly be hard but it might be worthwhile. Perhaps - I can't really say because I didn't do it.
So, beware of how much you drink and keep your drink with you at all times.
I woke up the next morning and I could feel it. I was back upstairs in my room somehow and I just didn’t feel right. My insides were twisting, I had to go to the bathroom and I felt like I was going to puke at the same time. I knew something was wrong but I fell back asleep and started having flashbacks of the night before. Then I woke up and remembered some of it. But I couldn’t move at first.
My parents and best friend were still in the city so I called them to say I didn’t really know what happened but I needed to go to the hospital. By 9 am when they came to get me, they had to half drag me there. But it was too late to do any testing because I’d slept through the night and in any case I had showered. I was so scared, I was crying, I was petrified.
Later that day, I decided to try to talk to the guy about it. I knew what we had been drinking and who I was talking to before anything happened but I didn’t know who I had been with. So I went to their room to ask them what happened the night before. I ended up speaking to the guy. He was very honest, he said that he was very drunk, he did have a girlfriend so he was very upset by this. I concluded that if something was put in my drink, it probably wasn't done by any of the people who lived there.
At that point, I began to feel better. My mother couldn't understand that. At first I was shocked but then I thought to myself that there was no point in ruining my life over this incident. I had been cleared of anything that could go wrong such as STDs. The guy was nice and he didn't have bad intentions. So I told myself that I was not going to dwell on it and let it destroy my life. There was just no point.
Maybe I am unusual but I feel that I recovered from this incident. It did take a year and a new university to do it though. Now, if I heard this happened to someone else, I would probably advise them to go to counselling. It would certainly be hard but it might be worthwhile. Perhaps - I can't really say because I didn't do it.
So, beware of how much you drink and keep your drink with you at all times.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I Dropped A Course
In my first year, I constantly doubted whether I knew what I was doing, and I kept second-guessing myself. It was scary to think that I come this far by being accepted into a prestigious University with a scholarship, yet in most of my courses I didn’t understand what my profs were saying. Feeling so completely unprepared was a shock. I had taken extra classes and programs in high school and the summer after high school but it’s a different thing to hear about something than to experience it for yourself.
It also didn’t help when people would put you down. During our first week, one of the senior girls would tell people “You’re not going to do well. You think you were good in high school? Well you’re not going to do well here”. I also had an advisor who told me I wasn’t prepared after talking to me for about two minutes; all I had said to her was that in high school I was used to getting straight As and working hard and figured that the workload here would only be a little bit harder. So she concluded from that one conversation that I wasn’t prepared and would probably fail.
I felt fairly alone my first semester. I am black and had not participated in the summer program that they offer which consists mostly of minority students. As a result, I felt that when I got here, they had already formed their cliques and their friends, and so I found it very hard to make my own friends. I felt that everyone else was adjusting well but me, even though we really weren't close enough for us to be talking about our personal issues. Everyone else seemed to be having fun and they seemed generally satisfied. And I felt very alone, like I was this little fish in a big pond. I felt lost and I think university is a place you can get lost very easily because it's so huge.
Around November, when things were getting down to the last assignments and studying for finals, I realized I was completely hopelessly lost. I had been reluctant to go to TAs for help earlier on; I felt intimidated because they seemed like geniuses. So I didn’t go, and the result was that I got lost. I also could have called my dad for help since he is an engineer and good in sciences. But I didn’t. I didn’t admit what was happening to my parents or to friends back home. I felt sick to my stomach every day.
I remember that a prof wrote on one of my quizzes “if you don’t do better than this, you are going to fail this class”. I couldn’t understand why she wrote that on my quiz in red ink when I already knew that. Like duh.
I did poorly on my midterms, and finally went to a TA. Unfortunately I got an unhelpful one who made it seem like I didn’t need help at all and knew the material. But I did need help. I then spoke to an advisor who suggested that I withdraw from one of my courses, even though it was past the drop out deadline. So I ended up withdrawing from a class that I needed for my major.
Even though I was having difficulty with a few of my courses, that was the worst one. I didn’t really understand how the prof was teaching; his style wasn't conducive to my learning. He was distant and from the first he seemed to have his favorites, almost like he knew them before. His quizzes were ridiculously hard. We didn't have a book because he was in the process of writing a new one so he sent us the chapters over the summer for us to print out. The book was hard as it was a graduate student level and I barely understood what he was saying. So I dropped the course.
After I dropped that course, I felt even more like a loser. Whenever I walked by the building that the course was in, I felt sick. And I still didn’t tell anyone.
Looking back, I know now that I wasn't alone. We have counselling on campus which I did during my second semester and they told me that thousands of students use their services each semester. I learned that most people feel the same way during their first year, even though they don’t show it. Everyone is on the same level. If you got accepted to this university, then you deserve to be here and you will probably do fine. People doubt themselves all the time, and it's a normal feeling, especially since the profs throw the really difficult stuff at you right from the beginning to weed people out. It helps to make friends and then you know that people are in the same boat. I normally keep my grades private so I didn’t really share how I was feeling or doing. Maybe if I had, I would have realized I wasn’t alone in my feelings.
I found out that that girl who was putting everyone down during our first week was doing it because she hadn’t done well. And the advisor who concluded that I would likely fail apparently puts everyone down because she was a biology major who had wanted to be a doctor but didn’t make it. I learned that some people get off on trying to prove they are better than others and it usually is the ones who do this who are struggling as much as you are. I also learned that sometimes the people who look the most well adjusted and the happiest are struggling the most, but just not admitting it. There was this guy in one of my first semester science classes who would be chatting with everyone when I came in; he seemed so happy. All I could think was "why is he so happy and confident and I am such a loser?". He ended up dropping out of university completely; it was all a front.
I realized that one of my biggest mistakes in the first semester was not reviewing my notes daily. I would go to the lectures and when the lecture was over, I wouldn’t look at the material unless I had an assignment to do or a test coming up. But usually it was too late by that time. So it is a matter of keeping current with what the prof is teaching so that if there is a question, you can go to a TA right away to make sure you get it cleared up right away before you get lost.
I learned that sometimes people do drop out of programs or courses and feel like failures at the time. But often they ended up in a different program which suits them much better. There are so many options out there for you so don’t think that any one thing is all you want to do or can do.
My second semester turned around very well. One of the things I did was enrol in a class called Critical Reading and Writing, but basically it was about study skills and time management to help you study in college. If I had known that class was there in the fall, I would have signed up for it. And if I had reached out and spoken with TAs or advisors or other students before it was too late, I would have found out about the course and things might have been different for me.
So it was a really hard experience for me. Now I don’t get too disappointed if I see a lower mark. I would still like it to be higher but as long as I am seeing improvement, I am happy. I know I belong here.
It also didn’t help when people would put you down. During our first week, one of the senior girls would tell people “You’re not going to do well. You think you were good in high school? Well you’re not going to do well here”. I also had an advisor who told me I wasn’t prepared after talking to me for about two minutes; all I had said to her was that in high school I was used to getting straight As and working hard and figured that the workload here would only be a little bit harder. So she concluded from that one conversation that I wasn’t prepared and would probably fail.
I felt fairly alone my first semester. I am black and had not participated in the summer program that they offer which consists mostly of minority students. As a result, I felt that when I got here, they had already formed their cliques and their friends, and so I found it very hard to make my own friends. I felt that everyone else was adjusting well but me, even though we really weren't close enough for us to be talking about our personal issues. Everyone else seemed to be having fun and they seemed generally satisfied. And I felt very alone, like I was this little fish in a big pond. I felt lost and I think university is a place you can get lost very easily because it's so huge.
Around November, when things were getting down to the last assignments and studying for finals, I realized I was completely hopelessly lost. I had been reluctant to go to TAs for help earlier on; I felt intimidated because they seemed like geniuses. So I didn’t go, and the result was that I got lost. I also could have called my dad for help since he is an engineer and good in sciences. But I didn’t. I didn’t admit what was happening to my parents or to friends back home. I felt sick to my stomach every day.
I remember that a prof wrote on one of my quizzes “if you don’t do better than this, you are going to fail this class”. I couldn’t understand why she wrote that on my quiz in red ink when I already knew that. Like duh.
I did poorly on my midterms, and finally went to a TA. Unfortunately I got an unhelpful one who made it seem like I didn’t need help at all and knew the material. But I did need help. I then spoke to an advisor who suggested that I withdraw from one of my courses, even though it was past the drop out deadline. So I ended up withdrawing from a class that I needed for my major.
Even though I was having difficulty with a few of my courses, that was the worst one. I didn’t really understand how the prof was teaching; his style wasn't conducive to my learning. He was distant and from the first he seemed to have his favorites, almost like he knew them before. His quizzes were ridiculously hard. We didn't have a book because he was in the process of writing a new one so he sent us the chapters over the summer for us to print out. The book was hard as it was a graduate student level and I barely understood what he was saying. So I dropped the course.
After I dropped that course, I felt even more like a loser. Whenever I walked by the building that the course was in, I felt sick. And I still didn’t tell anyone.
Looking back, I know now that I wasn't alone. We have counselling on campus which I did during my second semester and they told me that thousands of students use their services each semester. I learned that most people feel the same way during their first year, even though they don’t show it. Everyone is on the same level. If you got accepted to this university, then you deserve to be here and you will probably do fine. People doubt themselves all the time, and it's a normal feeling, especially since the profs throw the really difficult stuff at you right from the beginning to weed people out. It helps to make friends and then you know that people are in the same boat. I normally keep my grades private so I didn’t really share how I was feeling or doing. Maybe if I had, I would have realized I wasn’t alone in my feelings.
I found out that that girl who was putting everyone down during our first week was doing it because she hadn’t done well. And the advisor who concluded that I would likely fail apparently puts everyone down because she was a biology major who had wanted to be a doctor but didn’t make it. I learned that some people get off on trying to prove they are better than others and it usually is the ones who do this who are struggling as much as you are. I also learned that sometimes the people who look the most well adjusted and the happiest are struggling the most, but just not admitting it. There was this guy in one of my first semester science classes who would be chatting with everyone when I came in; he seemed so happy. All I could think was "why is he so happy and confident and I am such a loser?". He ended up dropping out of university completely; it was all a front.
I realized that one of my biggest mistakes in the first semester was not reviewing my notes daily. I would go to the lectures and when the lecture was over, I wouldn’t look at the material unless I had an assignment to do or a test coming up. But usually it was too late by that time. So it is a matter of keeping current with what the prof is teaching so that if there is a question, you can go to a TA right away to make sure you get it cleared up right away before you get lost.
I learned that sometimes people do drop out of programs or courses and feel like failures at the time. But often they ended up in a different program which suits them much better. There are so many options out there for you so don’t think that any one thing is all you want to do or can do.
My second semester turned around very well. One of the things I did was enrol in a class called Critical Reading and Writing, but basically it was about study skills and time management to help you study in college. If I had known that class was there in the fall, I would have signed up for it. And if I had reached out and spoken with TAs or advisors or other students before it was too late, I would have found out about the course and things might have been different for me.
So it was a really hard experience for me. Now I don’t get too disappointed if I see a lower mark. I would still like it to be higher but as long as I am seeing improvement, I am happy. I know I belong here.
Race At University: Four Viewpoints
(1)
I came here rather than to a State University because of the financial aid. Even though tuition is more expensive, it was cheaper to come here because of the grants and loans I received. If you can meet the academic standard to come here, the University will make it so that you can afford to come.
I felt it is different for myself here than a lot of other students because I am from a visible minority. Often minority students are more united because they feel they have to stick together. For me to have made it to a University of this calibre makes me feel I have to bring it. I have to be on point academically and I feel I have to do everything to the max. There is definitely a lot of pressure.
I come from a family that values education very much. They are from Trinidad and there many people prefer to send their kids away to school if they have the power to do so. It is all about education being the key to upward mobility in your socioeconomic status. Education is a gateway so being able to achieve such a high level is exhilarating but frightening at the same time.
The minority students here are mostly either children of immigrants or immigrants themselves. You don’t see many minority students from families who've been here for a long time.
I do tend to hang around with people like me. I like the fact that they can identify with what I go through and how I think. It’s comforting, especially when you are so far away from home. People tend to stick with what they know and to go to a place where there are people that look like them. I always notice when I am the only black student in my class and if there is another black student, we tend to become friends quickly because we are the only ones in that class. We are still friends with others but I find it’s easier with each other. I also think it’s important to keep our culture; you don’t want cultures to be so diluted that you lose traditions and history.
It’s different for dating because if I want to date someone of the same minority, there are not a lot of options for me. I am either not attracted to them or they are just a good friend so it probably won’t work out or they have a girlfriend. Maybe that will change. I hope so.
Here, there are black parties and there are white parties. A black party is going to be a dancing party, where people might drink. A white party is where there is a whole bunch of drinking and maybe some dancing when people are drunk. Often people will pregame which means they go to a white party first to get tipsy and then to the black party to have fun.
I have been to some good white parties but often there are just beer cans and weird people everywhere, weird games, people making out with random people. It’s just not what I am used to. I hate beer and that’s what most of them like to drink. It smells gross, it’s all over the floor and gets your shoes dirty. It’s a completely different atmosphere. So when people ask me to a party, I tend to ask them which kind it is going to be.
Sometimes if a white person goes to a black party, people have looked at them funny, like they are at the wrong party. That must be stressful for them. I do feel it is easier for black people to go to white parties than white people to go to black. Usually people are really friendly to us, but there is always going to be some ignorant person. One time, a white girl was walking past a party and we were sitting outside; I heard some people call her “snow bunny” which was really disrespectful, I think.
I do have to say that I sometimes notice particular differences that bug me. For example, I have a white friend who used to do things when I was first getting to know her that annoyed me. She would change the way she talked which is a big pet peeve with me. Talk the way you talk, don’t try to change it. Besides, I feel I didn’t talk like that so I told her to stop it. She did, and I know she was embarrassed about it. We got over it, but she did have to be told.
So it does make a difference that I am a member of a visible minority here. But I am okay with it.
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(2)
I came from a middle-class background, and most of the people I grew up with were like me: white. I'd thought that race was something that had been a problem in the past, but that various laws had helped eliminate racism and discrimination, and that as a result the problem was more or less solved. That's what we'd learned in school, perhaps not explicitly, but more by inference. As well, the rather number small number of people of other races that I'd known seemed just like all the rest of us. Some we liked and were close to, others not so much. There was a nearby city, where there were more people of Hispanic and African heritage, as well as a growing refugee community, notably from Africa, but the appropriate way to respond to the newcomers seemed clear. Just be considerate of everyone, and in your interactions with different kinds of people, don't pay any attention to the differences, and there's no problem.
That view had to change when I got here, and began to interact with people who'd lived with racism all their lives. Ask them, “Is there racism?”, and they'll answer “Duh” and give you a dozen examples from their own experience. Just little things, often disguised as something intended to be funny, but unmistakable in their intent. At first I thought, “Dreadful things, but now they're hypersensitive and see it everywhere whether it exists or not”. But then I began to realize, if these things had happened to me, how could I not be continually wary of them everywhere I went? One person especially became a good friend; I visited her at home and stayed for a few days, going around with her to the places she'd grown up. After multiple instances of double-entendres or whispered remarks just loud enough for us to hear, doors closed right in front of her, exaggerated apologies (Oh, I'm s-s-o-o-o s-s-sorry), I found myself becoming even more hypersensitive than she was. I'd only experienced this kind of thing a couple of times before, and then it was in a sexual context. So I realized again what she was getting at. In her words, “Duh”!!
Then there are the people who actually are racist. They make jokes with racial overtones, even when people who they're making jokes about are actually there. If you challenge them, they'll say, “it's just a joke, it's not intended to offend anyone, just get over it”. Maybe they don't realize how offensive they're being, or just don't care. Or maybe they do realize, and do it anyway.
I was interested enough in this topic to take a couple of courses in Race Relations. These helped me to understand the problems and their origins. But the most important things I learned outside the class, just from hanging out and making friends with people who there weren't many of in my life before.
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(3)
I feel that this university sets us up for segregation and racism. They have a dorm for black kids which has a lot of programming about black or African things like celebrating the culture. There is also a latino living centre, an international living centre, and quite a few other dorms for minorities. But it’s hard to get to know people who live in these dorms if you don’t live there too. Most of them don’t come out and mix. If we did see them around, we would say hi but they were not really as friendly.
Once I tried to go to an Asian party but they wouldn’t let us in. They told us it was full but meanwhile, there were people walking in right by us with no problem. The difference was that we were a large group of whites, blacks and latinos and the people they were letting in were Asian.
I think the university puts us at a disadvantage by offering minority dorms and special programs. I grew up in a town where everyone is white and it was a shock for me when I got here. I didn’t know what I had gotten myself into. I chose to participate in this special summer program but when got there, I found that was almost all minorities and hardly any white kids. That had never happened to me before. I’m fine with it now but they just kind of threw things like that at people. Most people would refuse to go to things where there would be nobody like themselves there. I feel they should have just mixed people up instead.
I also feel that our university newspaper is racist. They say disrespectful things like how the program houses or dorms are like minority ghettos and they compare them to each other, often not in a good way.
People will always tend to navigate towards people similar to themselves. It’s easier for a black kid to make friends with another black kid; offering all these minority programs; putting minority kids together in dorms just makes it harder for people of different races and ethnic origins to get to know each other. That's what we all tend to do anyway; the University shouldn't make it worse.
Like I said, I wish the University would just mix people up so we can all get to know each other.
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(4)
I'm black. and I'm from a big-city neighborhood that's mostly characterized as "mixed", or "difficult" -- those are some of the more polite terms. Nobody I meet at home seems to have any interest in education: their own or their children's. Fortunately for me, I went to school by bus to a different neighborhood with a different kind of High School. There was a very ethnically-mixed student body, and I was fortunate enough to be able to tutor some people whose English was poor, and in some cases almost nonexistent. Right from the beginning, that did a lot for my self-confidence. Whatever problems and hangups I had, at least I could understand what people said, and I had no difficulty making myself understood either. Fortunately, too, I had a few teachers who seemed happy to support and mentor me. Without these people, I wouldn't be here.
I also made a lot of friends, and as time went on, more and more of them were white, and mostly the high-achievers in the school. I got to know a lot of my friends' families as well, and for the first time in my life I came to realize the meaning of words like "integrated". Not that there were no awkward moments, or people saying things they regretted; but goodwill and good nature were able to overcome most of the problems. I also like to think that many white people understand some of the issues a bit better because their kids were friends with an ethnically-diverse group. In fact I know they do, and I'm proud of the part I played in all that.
So I wasn't at all scared of coming here. Well, I was scared of the academic demands, but not of whether I'd be able to fit in socially with the diversity of people who I knew I'd find here -- after all, I'd had a good deal more experience with more different kinds of people than most of the other people I'd be with. I was right not to be scared; however, there were some things I hadn't anticipated.
In the classes, lectures, seminars, labs and so on, it just didn't make any difference what sex, age, size, or color you were, except that you could tell that some of the students didn't speak English as their first language. Nor did some of the Profs, which could sometimes be a problem at first. In social life, though, things were different. This University is so large that every ethnic and language group can coalesce so that people mix most of the time with people of their own kind. My dorm was mostly caucasian, and some of the people hadn't even noticed this pattern until some of us pointed it out; then they saw it for themselves. Mostly, it turns out, that being in the majority was nothing new for them; most of the people they came across were white, and most of their friends were as well. But black people, hispanics, asians, and other people visibly different from the majority do notice. We're not the majority, so if we want to hang out with people like ourselves, we have to look around a bit more. Fortunately or unfortunately, that's what you see happen. Classes, dorms, sports, clubs (everything official), are fully integrated with little or no problem arising. But students are segregated socially because we do it ourselves. It's not that you never see mixed groups or mixed romantic pairings: you do, and nobody has a problem with them as far as I know. It's just that it's not the norm.
As far as I can tell, black groups don't form sub-groups within themselves. My various groups of friends, for example, include quite a few people from the Caribbean or from Africa. Not many of them are new to this country though; most came when their parents immigrated. Hispanic groups seem more segregated, I think by the country or at least the region they come from.
There's very little obvious antagonism here-- a lot less than at home, even in the suburban school I went to. You can say, if you like, that the antagonism really is there, but that everyone knows how to behave so that it never comes out; they know what will be offensive and don't say it or do it. And it's true that on the few occasions people say something offensive, the reason is usually that they're drunk. Everyone else always reacts in the same way: they're embarrassed and do everything they can to get the offender to stop and to move away from the situation.
But really, if there was more prejudice, I think it would come out more and we'd see it. We are thrown all together pretty closely, after all.
I've come to a conclusion about what's going on. We just feel more comfortable the more similar the people surrounding us are to ourselves. People of about the same age tend to hang out together as well. People from the city are different from people from the country; rich people are different from the rest of us, and the groups they form tend to reflect that. There's a rich person in my dorm who we all get along with, but who spends her free time with other rich people. Some rich kids are snobbish, and go around boasting about their cars, their clothes, their trips, and so on. Most aren't like that, though. It's just that they feel more comfortable being in a group of people similar to themselves.
Even boys and girls often feel more at home in single-sex groups: of course there are mixed groups, but a lot of the time other things are going on there as well. I refer, of course, to sex. Even when nothing is actually happening, there are people inside the group, especially boys (duh!), who hope that something will. And mixed groups tend to be less relaxed; nothing compares with the comfort you can feel inside a group of girls talking about a movie they've all seen, or a group of guys dissecting the plays in the big game.
So although what I've seen here has surprised me in a way, I'm now comfortable with it. It's just the way people are. White people, black people, people of every ethnic origin: it's just one more thing that we all have in common. We all feel more comfortable with people similar to ourselves. But we are learning to integrate ourselves more within the "university community". Even with all the races, religions, genders and cultures, we are learning to focus on the similarities and to see ourselves as one.
I came here rather than to a State University because of the financial aid. Even though tuition is more expensive, it was cheaper to come here because of the grants and loans I received. If you can meet the academic standard to come here, the University will make it so that you can afford to come.
I felt it is different for myself here than a lot of other students because I am from a visible minority. Often minority students are more united because they feel they have to stick together. For me to have made it to a University of this calibre makes me feel I have to bring it. I have to be on point academically and I feel I have to do everything to the max. There is definitely a lot of pressure.
I come from a family that values education very much. They are from Trinidad and there many people prefer to send their kids away to school if they have the power to do so. It is all about education being the key to upward mobility in your socioeconomic status. Education is a gateway so being able to achieve such a high level is exhilarating but frightening at the same time.
The minority students here are mostly either children of immigrants or immigrants themselves. You don’t see many minority students from families who've been here for a long time.
I do tend to hang around with people like me. I like the fact that they can identify with what I go through and how I think. It’s comforting, especially when you are so far away from home. People tend to stick with what they know and to go to a place where there are people that look like them. I always notice when I am the only black student in my class and if there is another black student, we tend to become friends quickly because we are the only ones in that class. We are still friends with others but I find it’s easier with each other. I also think it’s important to keep our culture; you don’t want cultures to be so diluted that you lose traditions and history.
It’s different for dating because if I want to date someone of the same minority, there are not a lot of options for me. I am either not attracted to them or they are just a good friend so it probably won’t work out or they have a girlfriend. Maybe that will change. I hope so.
Here, there are black parties and there are white parties. A black party is going to be a dancing party, where people might drink. A white party is where there is a whole bunch of drinking and maybe some dancing when people are drunk. Often people will pregame which means they go to a white party first to get tipsy and then to the black party to have fun.
I have been to some good white parties but often there are just beer cans and weird people everywhere, weird games, people making out with random people. It’s just not what I am used to. I hate beer and that’s what most of them like to drink. It smells gross, it’s all over the floor and gets your shoes dirty. It’s a completely different atmosphere. So when people ask me to a party, I tend to ask them which kind it is going to be.
Sometimes if a white person goes to a black party, people have looked at them funny, like they are at the wrong party. That must be stressful for them. I do feel it is easier for black people to go to white parties than white people to go to black. Usually people are really friendly to us, but there is always going to be some ignorant person. One time, a white girl was walking past a party and we were sitting outside; I heard some people call her “snow bunny” which was really disrespectful, I think.
I do have to say that I sometimes notice particular differences that bug me. For example, I have a white friend who used to do things when I was first getting to know her that annoyed me. She would change the way she talked which is a big pet peeve with me. Talk the way you talk, don’t try to change it. Besides, I feel I didn’t talk like that so I told her to stop it. She did, and I know she was embarrassed about it. We got over it, but she did have to be told.
So it does make a difference that I am a member of a visible minority here. But I am okay with it.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
(2)
I came from a middle-class background, and most of the people I grew up with were like me: white. I'd thought that race was something that had been a problem in the past, but that various laws had helped eliminate racism and discrimination, and that as a result the problem was more or less solved. That's what we'd learned in school, perhaps not explicitly, but more by inference. As well, the rather number small number of people of other races that I'd known seemed just like all the rest of us. Some we liked and were close to, others not so much. There was a nearby city, where there were more people of Hispanic and African heritage, as well as a growing refugee community, notably from Africa, but the appropriate way to respond to the newcomers seemed clear. Just be considerate of everyone, and in your interactions with different kinds of people, don't pay any attention to the differences, and there's no problem.
That view had to change when I got here, and began to interact with people who'd lived with racism all their lives. Ask them, “Is there racism?”, and they'll answer “Duh” and give you a dozen examples from their own experience. Just little things, often disguised as something intended to be funny, but unmistakable in their intent. At first I thought, “Dreadful things, but now they're hypersensitive and see it everywhere whether it exists or not”. But then I began to realize, if these things had happened to me, how could I not be continually wary of them everywhere I went? One person especially became a good friend; I visited her at home and stayed for a few days, going around with her to the places she'd grown up. After multiple instances of double-entendres or whispered remarks just loud enough for us to hear, doors closed right in front of her, exaggerated apologies (Oh, I'm s-s-o-o-o s-s-sorry), I found myself becoming even more hypersensitive than she was. I'd only experienced this kind of thing a couple of times before, and then it was in a sexual context. So I realized again what she was getting at. In her words, “Duh”!!
Then there are the people who actually are racist. They make jokes with racial overtones, even when people who they're making jokes about are actually there. If you challenge them, they'll say, “it's just a joke, it's not intended to offend anyone, just get over it”. Maybe they don't realize how offensive they're being, or just don't care. Or maybe they do realize, and do it anyway.
I was interested enough in this topic to take a couple of courses in Race Relations. These helped me to understand the problems and their origins. But the most important things I learned outside the class, just from hanging out and making friends with people who there weren't many of in my life before.
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(3)
I feel that this university sets us up for segregation and racism. They have a dorm for black kids which has a lot of programming about black or African things like celebrating the culture. There is also a latino living centre, an international living centre, and quite a few other dorms for minorities. But it’s hard to get to know people who live in these dorms if you don’t live there too. Most of them don’t come out and mix. If we did see them around, we would say hi but they were not really as friendly.
Once I tried to go to an Asian party but they wouldn’t let us in. They told us it was full but meanwhile, there were people walking in right by us with no problem. The difference was that we were a large group of whites, blacks and latinos and the people they were letting in were Asian.
I think the university puts us at a disadvantage by offering minority dorms and special programs. I grew up in a town where everyone is white and it was a shock for me when I got here. I didn’t know what I had gotten myself into. I chose to participate in this special summer program but when got there, I found that was almost all minorities and hardly any white kids. That had never happened to me before. I’m fine with it now but they just kind of threw things like that at people. Most people would refuse to go to things where there would be nobody like themselves there. I feel they should have just mixed people up instead.
I also feel that our university newspaper is racist. They say disrespectful things like how the program houses or dorms are like minority ghettos and they compare them to each other, often not in a good way.
People will always tend to navigate towards people similar to themselves. It’s easier for a black kid to make friends with another black kid; offering all these minority programs; putting minority kids together in dorms just makes it harder for people of different races and ethnic origins to get to know each other. That's what we all tend to do anyway; the University shouldn't make it worse.
Like I said, I wish the University would just mix people up so we can all get to know each other.
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(4)
I'm black. and I'm from a big-city neighborhood that's mostly characterized as "mixed", or "difficult" -- those are some of the more polite terms. Nobody I meet at home seems to have any interest in education: their own or their children's. Fortunately for me, I went to school by bus to a different neighborhood with a different kind of High School. There was a very ethnically-mixed student body, and I was fortunate enough to be able to tutor some people whose English was poor, and in some cases almost nonexistent. Right from the beginning, that did a lot for my self-confidence. Whatever problems and hangups I had, at least I could understand what people said, and I had no difficulty making myself understood either. Fortunately, too, I had a few teachers who seemed happy to support and mentor me. Without these people, I wouldn't be here.
I also made a lot of friends, and as time went on, more and more of them were white, and mostly the high-achievers in the school. I got to know a lot of my friends' families as well, and for the first time in my life I came to realize the meaning of words like "integrated". Not that there were no awkward moments, or people saying things they regretted; but goodwill and good nature were able to overcome most of the problems. I also like to think that many white people understand some of the issues a bit better because their kids were friends with an ethnically-diverse group. In fact I know they do, and I'm proud of the part I played in all that.
So I wasn't at all scared of coming here. Well, I was scared of the academic demands, but not of whether I'd be able to fit in socially with the diversity of people who I knew I'd find here -- after all, I'd had a good deal more experience with more different kinds of people than most of the other people I'd be with. I was right not to be scared; however, there were some things I hadn't anticipated.
In the classes, lectures, seminars, labs and so on, it just didn't make any difference what sex, age, size, or color you were, except that you could tell that some of the students didn't speak English as their first language. Nor did some of the Profs, which could sometimes be a problem at first. In social life, though, things were different. This University is so large that every ethnic and language group can coalesce so that people mix most of the time with people of their own kind. My dorm was mostly caucasian, and some of the people hadn't even noticed this pattern until some of us pointed it out; then they saw it for themselves. Mostly, it turns out, that being in the majority was nothing new for them; most of the people they came across were white, and most of their friends were as well. But black people, hispanics, asians, and other people visibly different from the majority do notice. We're not the majority, so if we want to hang out with people like ourselves, we have to look around a bit more. Fortunately or unfortunately, that's what you see happen. Classes, dorms, sports, clubs (everything official), are fully integrated with little or no problem arising. But students are segregated socially because we do it ourselves. It's not that you never see mixed groups or mixed romantic pairings: you do, and nobody has a problem with them as far as I know. It's just that it's not the norm.
As far as I can tell, black groups don't form sub-groups within themselves. My various groups of friends, for example, include quite a few people from the Caribbean or from Africa. Not many of them are new to this country though; most came when their parents immigrated. Hispanic groups seem more segregated, I think by the country or at least the region they come from.
There's very little obvious antagonism here-- a lot less than at home, even in the suburban school I went to. You can say, if you like, that the antagonism really is there, but that everyone knows how to behave so that it never comes out; they know what will be offensive and don't say it or do it. And it's true that on the few occasions people say something offensive, the reason is usually that they're drunk. Everyone else always reacts in the same way: they're embarrassed and do everything they can to get the offender to stop and to move away from the situation.
But really, if there was more prejudice, I think it would come out more and we'd see it. We are thrown all together pretty closely, after all.
I've come to a conclusion about what's going on. We just feel more comfortable the more similar the people surrounding us are to ourselves. People of about the same age tend to hang out together as well. People from the city are different from people from the country; rich people are different from the rest of us, and the groups they form tend to reflect that. There's a rich person in my dorm who we all get along with, but who spends her free time with other rich people. Some rich kids are snobbish, and go around boasting about their cars, their clothes, their trips, and so on. Most aren't like that, though. It's just that they feel more comfortable being in a group of people similar to themselves.
Even boys and girls often feel more at home in single-sex groups: of course there are mixed groups, but a lot of the time other things are going on there as well. I refer, of course, to sex. Even when nothing is actually happening, there are people inside the group, especially boys (duh!), who hope that something will. And mixed groups tend to be less relaxed; nothing compares with the comfort you can feel inside a group of girls talking about a movie they've all seen, or a group of guys dissecting the plays in the big game.
So although what I've seen here has surprised me in a way, I'm now comfortable with it. It's just the way people are. White people, black people, people of every ethnic origin: it's just one more thing that we all have in common. We all feel more comfortable with people similar to ourselves. But we are learning to integrate ourselves more within the "university community". Even with all the races, religions, genders and cultures, we are learning to focus on the similarities and to see ourselves as one.
Energy Drinks
Sometimes I have heard that when people get behind in their work, they need some artificial help to get by. Some take amphetamine pills, but I don't often hear about that here. One girl I knew took it who did not have ADD and she had a really awful experience. Sometimes the athletes talk about it but I figure they are just joking.
Here, the drug of choice is caffeine. People drink a lot of coffee; actually we did a survey on it and more people start drinking coffee in college than anything else. People also use energy drinks. Some people actually like the taste, but most use it to help them do their work. One common problem people have is that they can sometimes give you energy for a few hours and then you crash and burn later. But the pure fear of failing an exam often gets people to try them. Then, of course, the effect varies from one person to another.
Once I was trying to do my homework and was able to grab a bunch of free energy drinks. I drank three of them in one night and they were big; they were free, it was hot, they were cold, and we were thirsty. My boyfriend said that the five-hour energy drinks can work and keep you able to concentrate without crashing.
At first I was jittery and couldn't focus on anything but talking but then I didn't feel well and had to lie down. Then I got back up and we continued talking. My boyfriend was also high on energy drinks. It was strange because I alternated between feeling mellow, then jittery, then sick. After that had died away, the two of us ended up staying up all night, watching a movie and just talking, talking, talking. I couldn't do my homework. I think I just had way too much.
My friend told me that if you just drink a lot of water, you will be much more awake then if you drink coffee or energy drinks and you will feel better. But that sounds like something my parents would say!
Here, the drug of choice is caffeine. People drink a lot of coffee; actually we did a survey on it and more people start drinking coffee in college than anything else. People also use energy drinks. Some people actually like the taste, but most use it to help them do their work. One common problem people have is that they can sometimes give you energy for a few hours and then you crash and burn later. But the pure fear of failing an exam often gets people to try them. Then, of course, the effect varies from one person to another.
Once I was trying to do my homework and was able to grab a bunch of free energy drinks. I drank three of them in one night and they were big; they were free, it was hot, they were cold, and we were thirsty. My boyfriend said that the five-hour energy drinks can work and keep you able to concentrate without crashing.
At first I was jittery and couldn't focus on anything but talking but then I didn't feel well and had to lie down. Then I got back up and we continued talking. My boyfriend was also high on energy drinks. It was strange because I alternated between feeling mellow, then jittery, then sick. After that had died away, the two of us ended up staying up all night, watching a movie and just talking, talking, talking. I couldn't do my homework. I think I just had way too much.
My friend told me that if you just drink a lot of water, you will be much more awake then if you drink coffee or energy drinks and you will feel better. But that sounds like something my parents would say!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
A Suicidal Roommate
I had a really rough first couple of months at University. Getting adjusted was difficult enough but my roommate was even more difficult to deal with. She had a lot of problems, a lot of issues, and was suicidal. She wanted my help, but I had enough of my own problems to deal. Also, I didn’t feel equipped to deal with the kind of things she seemed to need help with. I suggested she speak with an advisor or counsellor but she refused.
One day I came home and had to take a razor blade away from her. I didn’t really want to deal with this kind of stuff my first year of university, I did have to do something. I thought that perhaps I would talk to my advisor and tell him that I knew the girl was having trouble. But there was only so much I could say before he would get worried enough to take some concrete action. And then I would be betraying her confidence. It was a tough line to draw, but I couldn’t deal with it on my own, and I couldn’t run the risk of letting her harm herself or even kill herself. She was a really nice girl but she just had a lot of issues which were hard to deal with when you were living in close proximity.
After I took the razor blade away, I decided to betray her confidence and tell my advisor everything. I didn’t feel I had a choice. He got involved, she ended up seeing a counsellor, finished her semester but never returned.
I will never forget that experience, and I’ve thought about it a lot since. But I still don’t see how I could have done things any differently.
One day I came home and had to take a razor blade away from her. I didn’t really want to deal with this kind of stuff my first year of university, I did have to do something. I thought that perhaps I would talk to my advisor and tell him that I knew the girl was having trouble. But there was only so much I could say before he would get worried enough to take some concrete action. And then I would be betraying her confidence. It was a tough line to draw, but I couldn’t deal with it on my own, and I couldn’t run the risk of letting her harm herself or even kill herself. She was a really nice girl but she just had a lot of issues which were hard to deal with when you were living in close proximity.
After I took the razor blade away, I decided to betray her confidence and tell my advisor everything. I didn’t feel I had a choice. He got involved, she ended up seeing a counsellor, finished her semester but never returned.
I will never forget that experience, and I’ve thought about it a lot since. But I still don’t see how I could have done things any differently.
First Year Relationships
So I had my first college relationship three months into my freshman year, with a popular senior on campus. Looking back, it's kind of funny that I managed to catch the eye of a senior, but it was an overall good relationship. I had met Owen through another boy who had liked me at the time, but Owen and I hit it off very well, so I kind of forgot about the other boy :-) Owen and I became friends quickly and pretty soon we were talking on the phone every night and I began to develop feelings for him. Not too long after, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
Our relationship was a great one for the most part. Every relationship has its issues, but we honestly did not have many at all. We spent a lot of time together and our relationship was very public. Our facebook pages showed we were in a relationship and we frequently walked around campus holding hands. Other people on campus, particularly girls, did not like the fact that I was a freshman. They wrote mean things in both Owen’s and my facebook boxes, calling Owen a homosexual, telling me that he was "only after one thing," asking how I knew him, telling me our relationship wasn't going to last, etc. At first, and even a little bit now, it really bothered me that people were saying these things. Since when was my relationship anyone else's business? Owen comforted me and we both decided to brush it off after we talked about it a little. At the end of the day, we knew we cared about each other so nothing else mattered.
The summer after my freshman year, we spent a lot of time together because we only lived an hour away from each other in my home state. I met his family, he met my family, and I even helped his mother plan a graduation party for him after he graduated in May. We continued to date for three quarters of my sophomore year until we broke up this past April and all in all, my relationship was very good. We did have a bad breakup and unfortunately don't talk anymore, but it was great while it lasted.
If I were a different person, I think I would have felt a lot of pressure about my relationship, more so than I did at the time. It may have caused the relationship to at least not be so public or resulted in our breaking up for a little while. People wrote mean things to both me and my boyfriend at the time on facebook, and we were always hearing rumours about what people were saying weeks into the relationship. There was a clique of freshman girls called the "Core" (they disassembled my sophomore year) who I heard did not like me at all, because they wanted "first dibs" on all the men on campus (which is quite foolish if you ask me). If I were a different person, I would have probably avoided public places with my boyfriend, like the dining hall, and wouldn't have walked hand-in-hand with him on campus or anything like that; although we never kissed in public because I am not a fan of PDA. However, at the time, I had no doubts about my relationship and I genuinely cared for him. We had a truly great, communicative, caring relationship while it lasted, a year and four months, and I have no regrets.
Life is too short to let others dictate how your life should run. If you believe in something, believe in it wholeheartedly and don't let anyone undermine your belief, regardless of what it's about. College is a place of learning, growing, and maturing into the man or woman you will become so don't allow other people's opinions to influence you. Be yourself. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind (that's a quote by Dr. Seuss).
Our relationship was a great one for the most part. Every relationship has its issues, but we honestly did not have many at all. We spent a lot of time together and our relationship was very public. Our facebook pages showed we were in a relationship and we frequently walked around campus holding hands. Other people on campus, particularly girls, did not like the fact that I was a freshman. They wrote mean things in both Owen’s and my facebook boxes, calling Owen a homosexual, telling me that he was "only after one thing," asking how I knew him, telling me our relationship wasn't going to last, etc. At first, and even a little bit now, it really bothered me that people were saying these things. Since when was my relationship anyone else's business? Owen comforted me and we both decided to brush it off after we talked about it a little. At the end of the day, we knew we cared about each other so nothing else mattered.
The summer after my freshman year, we spent a lot of time together because we only lived an hour away from each other in my home state. I met his family, he met my family, and I even helped his mother plan a graduation party for him after he graduated in May. We continued to date for three quarters of my sophomore year until we broke up this past April and all in all, my relationship was very good. We did have a bad breakup and unfortunately don't talk anymore, but it was great while it lasted.
If I were a different person, I think I would have felt a lot of pressure about my relationship, more so than I did at the time. It may have caused the relationship to at least not be so public or resulted in our breaking up for a little while. People wrote mean things to both me and my boyfriend at the time on facebook, and we were always hearing rumours about what people were saying weeks into the relationship. There was a clique of freshman girls called the "Core" (they disassembled my sophomore year) who I heard did not like me at all, because they wanted "first dibs" on all the men on campus (which is quite foolish if you ask me). If I were a different person, I would have probably avoided public places with my boyfriend, like the dining hall, and wouldn't have walked hand-in-hand with him on campus or anything like that; although we never kissed in public because I am not a fan of PDA. However, at the time, I had no doubts about my relationship and I genuinely cared for him. We had a truly great, communicative, caring relationship while it lasted, a year and four months, and I have no regrets.
Life is too short to let others dictate how your life should run. If you believe in something, believe in it wholeheartedly and don't let anyone undermine your belief, regardless of what it's about. College is a place of learning, growing, and maturing into the man or woman you will become so don't allow other people's opinions to influence you. Be yourself. Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind (that's a quote by Dr. Seuss).
One for All and All for One
People think that we are very competitive at this university and that this competition can often be destructive. They think we hide our work or things that others need, that we screw up stuff on others’ computers and tear out pages from textbooks so that others can’t use them. Things like that.
I know it's true. I have an older friend who goes to another University, and does meds. It seems that there, it is really aggressive and vicious. Some have cars, but when they have to go to a hospital in the suburbs, they never give each other rides. There's always some excuse, such as dry cleaning that has to be picked up on the way. People put each other down all the time; my friend was scorned because he did part of an internship in a very rural area, mostly with First Nation people. "Passport Country", was what the others called it. These people always did whatever would make them look good, whether there was any actual achievement there or not. They did just enough of something to make it look good on a resume, then they quit. Worse: they did whatever they could to make the people they didn't like look bad -- diminish their achievements and their work, and spread rumours about them that they knew would get back to Profs and supervisors.
But it doesn’t happen here. I think that people have this myth and it’s just not true. I don’t know if it used to be like that but I have to say, I’ve never seen it or heard of it, and trust me, if it did happen it would be all over the place at once.
People leave laptops lying around and anyone can just walk right into the building off the street and steal it. But they don’t. We have competitions with monetary prizes, and still people help each other. In the beginning, maybe some do hide their work because they think they are doing something very great and special and they want to hand in work that will prove how good they really are. But it doesn’t take long for everyone to realize that they won’t come up with anything that someone hasn’t done before and that we are all really struggling and we are all on the same page.
I find here that the competition here is more like wanting to get a higher grade but it’s nothing vicious. If you ask someone for help, people will be glad to assist. I don’t find there is a downside to the competition other than comparing yourself constructively with others and wanting to get a better grade.
I’m not saying that we’re not competitive at all and that people don’t sometimes play games. Some people, when they go to the Teacher Assistants, try to make it seem that they’re not going because they need help. You look at them at a desk near yours, and they’re trying to look like they know more about the work than the TA. They compete with each other to impress the Prof. And they talk smart with each other; they have to convince each other that they are the best. I definitely see that a lot. Scary really, because most of these people intend to go into Meds. I often wonder if they’ll make the best doctors with attitudes like that.
Another thing that I really don’t care for is group projects. Some people complain that they end up doing most of the work because others know that they can do good work and so the group can get the best possible mark. So one person often gets ganged up on by the others to do most of it and then the others just check it over when it’s done and put their name on it as if everyone worked the same on the project.
But my most unpleasant experience was different. Last year I had a group project with a few other students who assumed that I didn’t know much. Two members of the group knew each other, and they assumed I wasn’t up to being trusted to do any of the stuff that was difficult or interesting. If I asked a question, they would look at me … why don’t you know the answer? Sometimes I found out later that they didn’t know the answer either, and other times it wasn’t that kind of question at all – it was more, ‘What would happen if we looked at it in this way rather than that way?’
So they tried to give me the most tedious and boring parts of the assignment, and keep the interesting parts for themselves. I kept asking for more and telling them I could do the work and questioning them as to why they wouldn’t give me anything substantial. But they were determined to do it themselves. I felt they completely pushed me out of the project. My feeling was that we were all in this class together and we all needed to do well so I didn’t understand why they were trying to keep me out of this.
And when we made our presentation, they had actually done something wrong (I saw it right away), and the teacher corrected them, which of course meant a lower mark for all of us. If I had seen their part of the work, I could have corrected the mistake, but no, they were just going to do it by themselves and leave me with the most menial stuff.
I know I’m a loner, and I don’t really like any group assignments. But I’m always around with other people doing work with them. We work together on reviewing lectures later in the day or the next day, we read each others’ work before it gets handed in, and we review together for exams. And it’s not always with the same people, because not all classes have the same people in them. You really can’t work except in groups with at least one other person, because it would get too tedious and boring, and only your brain would be working on it, instead of two, or four, or six. But for me, it’s important to know that it’s my own work that I’m responsible for, and that even when I’ve worked closely with other people, I’m not responsible for their work: they are.
I know it's true. I have an older friend who goes to another University, and does meds. It seems that there, it is really aggressive and vicious. Some have cars, but when they have to go to a hospital in the suburbs, they never give each other rides. There's always some excuse, such as dry cleaning that has to be picked up on the way. People put each other down all the time; my friend was scorned because he did part of an internship in a very rural area, mostly with First Nation people. "Passport Country", was what the others called it. These people always did whatever would make them look good, whether there was any actual achievement there or not. They did just enough of something to make it look good on a resume, then they quit. Worse: they did whatever they could to make the people they didn't like look bad -- diminish their achievements and their work, and spread rumours about them that they knew would get back to Profs and supervisors.
But it doesn’t happen here. I think that people have this myth and it’s just not true. I don’t know if it used to be like that but I have to say, I’ve never seen it or heard of it, and trust me, if it did happen it would be all over the place at once.
People leave laptops lying around and anyone can just walk right into the building off the street and steal it. But they don’t. We have competitions with monetary prizes, and still people help each other. In the beginning, maybe some do hide their work because they think they are doing something very great and special and they want to hand in work that will prove how good they really are. But it doesn’t take long for everyone to realize that they won’t come up with anything that someone hasn’t done before and that we are all really struggling and we are all on the same page.
I find here that the competition here is more like wanting to get a higher grade but it’s nothing vicious. If you ask someone for help, people will be glad to assist. I don’t find there is a downside to the competition other than comparing yourself constructively with others and wanting to get a better grade.
I’m not saying that we’re not competitive at all and that people don’t sometimes play games. Some people, when they go to the Teacher Assistants, try to make it seem that they’re not going because they need help. You look at them at a desk near yours, and they’re trying to look like they know more about the work than the TA. They compete with each other to impress the Prof. And they talk smart with each other; they have to convince each other that they are the best. I definitely see that a lot. Scary really, because most of these people intend to go into Meds. I often wonder if they’ll make the best doctors with attitudes like that.
Another thing that I really don’t care for is group projects. Some people complain that they end up doing most of the work because others know that they can do good work and so the group can get the best possible mark. So one person often gets ganged up on by the others to do most of it and then the others just check it over when it’s done and put their name on it as if everyone worked the same on the project.
But my most unpleasant experience was different. Last year I had a group project with a few other students who assumed that I didn’t know much. Two members of the group knew each other, and they assumed I wasn’t up to being trusted to do any of the stuff that was difficult or interesting. If I asked a question, they would look at me … why don’t you know the answer? Sometimes I found out later that they didn’t know the answer either, and other times it wasn’t that kind of question at all – it was more, ‘What would happen if we looked at it in this way rather than that way?’
So they tried to give me the most tedious and boring parts of the assignment, and keep the interesting parts for themselves. I kept asking for more and telling them I could do the work and questioning them as to why they wouldn’t give me anything substantial. But they were determined to do it themselves. I felt they completely pushed me out of the project. My feeling was that we were all in this class together and we all needed to do well so I didn’t understand why they were trying to keep me out of this.
And when we made our presentation, they had actually done something wrong (I saw it right away), and the teacher corrected them, which of course meant a lower mark for all of us. If I had seen their part of the work, I could have corrected the mistake, but no, they were just going to do it by themselves and leave me with the most menial stuff.
I know I’m a loner, and I don’t really like any group assignments. But I’m always around with other people doing work with them. We work together on reviewing lectures later in the day or the next day, we read each others’ work before it gets handed in, and we review together for exams. And it’s not always with the same people, because not all classes have the same people in them. You really can’t work except in groups with at least one other person, because it would get too tedious and boring, and only your brain would be working on it, instead of two, or four, or six. But for me, it’s important to know that it’s my own work that I’m responsible for, and that even when I’ve worked closely with other people, I’m not responsible for their work: they are.
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