Bullshitting

Everyone is familiar with the term. It is an ancient practice that has been learned, refined, and passed down through generations in all types of professions. When it comes to the profession of being a student, it can make or break the grade, the class, the professor-student relationship, and the shape of things to come. But most of all, it can influence how much time you have to focus on other, more important things than research papers or PowerPoint presentations — like online gaming. It is the age-old and invaluable art… of bullshitting.

If done correctly, bullshitting saves everyone a lot of pain and anguish — in the short term, that is. The student is happy not doing any real work, and the professor is happy because it appears that the student did do some real work. To correctly bullshit a research paper, one must write with flair — with fluff, with big words and lengthy sentences that add to its sophisticated tone. There must be shit, but not too much shit. At the same time, one must remember that crafting the structure and clarity of the shit is an incredibly important part of the process— so that the shit does not, in fact, look like shit. Unless, of course, you have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, in which case it’s better to generalize the shit as much as possible.

I used to be good at bullshitting. Very good. I could bullshit my way through a paper, sure. Papers weren’t a big deal. I could even bullshit my knowledge of an assigned reading while speaking in front of the class if I wanted to. I like to think that I still am a good bullshitter, to some extent, because a little bullshitting here and there can be a useful skill to have in life, but something has changed since I came to college. Some of the teachers — they know.

Allow me to give an example: I’m sitting in my theater and group process class one evening, and I realize that we’ve been assigned to do a brief reading from our textbook. It’s not that I was being lazy, mind you, it’s just that it completely slipped my mind. Well, I think to myself, you’ve had practice with this. No problem, you know what you’re doing. Just speak with confidence. Don’t flinch.

You’d think I would have known better than to try and out-act an acting professor. We go around in a circle discussing what we found interesting about the reading. OK, I think, all I have to do is repeat something that someone else said, but rearrange it so that it sounds different. This is easy. We come around to me, and I say something along the lines of, “I agree. The idea of using extemporaneous improvisation to form fluid sculptures in this context is something I found especially interesting in this section. I guess because I’ve always felt it would be a difficult thing to do, because of all of the mental preparation involved.”

My professor watches me as I speak, and I look back at him, confidently. After I’m done, I don’t let my eyes go anywhere else. Wandering eyes are a dead-give away. This is what it really comes down to when bullshitting— each person tries to find out how far the other is willing to go before… the shit hits the fan.

“Can you elaborate on that?” my professor suddenly asks.
Uh-oh.
“Well, it seems that I just, um, I don’t see how it would be possible for me, personally to…come up with something like that on the spot.”
Oh, the irony.
“OK,” my professor says, giving me a knowing look. He’s grinning. Yup, he knows.
Damn it.

Don’t try this at college, kids. This might have worked on your high school English teachers, but it probably won’t work on your college professors. Bullshitting should be a last resort, and by last resort, I mean that it should come even after telling your professor that you didn’t actually do the reading, study for the test, or whatever. Let me stress, however, that guessing and bullshitting are not the same thing. If you think that you might know the answer (and most of the time you’ll have at least an inkling of confidence that you just might possibly know what you’re talking about), go for it. On the other hand, if you have absolutely no idea what the answer is, and you think that you might try your luck anyway, don’t bother.

Bullshitting should be used very sparingly in life. In school, honestly, it can hurt your chances, so please, try to restrain yourselves. The fact is that you can’t make up stuff all the time, because, let’s face it, there’s only so much shit to go around.