Relationships with Moms

I am closer to my mom than ever before. Part of it is because I control the relationship more. She knows she can't nag -- I can always put the phone down. As well, there are things I can say on the phone or in an email that I wouldn't say if she were actually there in the room.

My mom is a genius at figuring out what's in my brain. She's had eighteen years of practice, I guess. But since I was about twelve, it has often meant that unless I want to tell her absolutely everything about something, I don't say anything at all. She can look at my face, and say something like, "You're really upset about that, aren't you?" Or even worse, "Sounds like you might be getting a bit serious about this guy."

Now usually, I just want to give her a bit of an idea about something, and not spend all evening taking it all apart. When she and I are in the same room, though, I don't control what happens once I say something; she does. I'm kinda apprehensive about that, so I don't mention anything at all about the subject.

But now, things are better; at the end of a phone, or in an email, the person who's in control of how much I say isn't her any more, it's me. I can just say there was a paper I did that got a poor mark, or a guy I met who I expect to see more of. She knows that if she wants to go further into it, and I don't, I can just change the topic, end the phone conversation, or ignore the email. Also, she can't see my face: I think that's the key. She only finds out the exact things I want to tell her, not all the other things that come out on my face and that she can read like a book.

Now I can decide in advance whether to say something, and what to say. I control it. I have the power to "limit the number of dimensions of the interaction", which is the way I heard it described once. But in any case, I end up telling her more about my life than she has heard for quite a few years before I moved away from home. Really too, I love my mom a lot, so that feels pretty good.