The thing I struggled with most during my freshman year was time management. In high school, after a day of classes, you do your extra curriculars, go home, eat dinner, and work on homework. You have parents to make you do your homework and teachers to check up on you. Your life is mostly dictated by outside forces.
When you get to college you have complete freedom over your life. You make your own choices and create your own experience. And if you come from a very strict household as I did, you might have a lot of trouble adjusting to the freedom.
My new found freedom in college caused me problems when it came to the party scene. Since I came from a very uptight household, I never partied in high school. My parents kept tabs on me at all times: I had to call when I arrived no matter where I was going and my parents waited up for me to come home. Coming to college, I could do whatever I wanted, wherever and whenever I wanted. It’s really easy to go out every weekend and go buck wild. Soon you realize that nothing is stopping you from drinking during the week too. Before you know it, you will have established some pretty bad habits like drinking on a Monday or skipping your first class in the morning. I'm not by any means saying don't party. Partying is fun, different from the workload stress and a great way to meet people on campus. Older friends (not necessarily friends of my parents!) have told me that this time in your life doesn't last for ever; once you're older, you won't usually have this instant bond with people you meet. Kind of a mafia that's based on age: that's how I've heard it described.
So yes, by all means, go ahead. Don't waste the opportunity. All I'm saying is that it’s important to take things slow. Ease yourself in to your new found freedom. It’s all about moderation.
If you are in Res, you are living with your friends 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It’s insanely easy to spend all your non-class time hanging out with your friends. So it’s really important to get into the habit early on of taking a little time for yourself. Studying with friends can be great sometimes, but other times you need to take time to get things done by yourself. Study, do laundry, call your parents, or just listen to music by yourself. If you don't start taking time out for you right from the beginning, you'll get stuck in the habit of spending all your time with your friends and really getting nothing accomplished.
Another thing I ran into trouble with was money management. My parents gave me a debit card which had the 2,000 dollars on it that I earned over the summer. The same things I mentioned earlier apply to money. Just be aware of what you are spending. It doesn't seem like you are spending a lot of money when you go to McDonalds or Denny's but the money adds up fast. A good idea is to set a limit for the money you can spend for fun every month and the money you need to spend on the essentials. I never checked my account because I just figured there was no way I was going to spend 2,000 dollars in one year. At the end of the year I checked my account and discovered I had spent close to $1,500. Most banks offer online banking which is a great thing to take advantage of. If you can actually see how much you are spending you can be more careful.
I loved every minute of my freshman year but if there is one lesson I learned it was definitely to take things in moderation, and it's ok to say no sometimes (okay, I guess that’s two lessons, but they are related). Have fun though! People know what they are talking about when they tell you that college will be the best years of your life.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
University, the Ultimate Breaker-Upper
August 13th: “We’re just going to see how things go and stay together even though we are at opposite ends of the country.”
August 31st: “Yeah….. we’re breaking up.”
When people move across the country or internationally, many are left with the question of what to do about their relationship with their boyfriend or girlfriend.
What do you do when you’re going to school across the country and he or she isn’t? Do you allow the long distance factor to break you up? Is it fair to your second half that you’re moving far away and they are just supposed to wait for you to come home? Can you have a relationship without seeing each other until Christmas? Can you ever date someone who is so far away and make it work? What is needed for a “true” relationship? Or are we all just convinced that we have to be in the same city at the same time to date?
What do you do when you meet someone you fall in love with just days before you move across the country? Is geography always the deciding factor in who we love? If there truly is just one person in this entire world that is our true love, then how can we expect that this one and only person will exist within city limits? So what do we do as students when we are faced with the challenge of University? Do we all just break up with our boyfriends/girlfriends of 9 months… 2 years… five years? Five years .. that's me .. long story ..
How can you get over someone when you don’t want to break up with them but you have to? You still have feelings for them, but common-sense tells you that it’s not worth being together. Or should you try to make it work. Is “making it work” even possible? Should we be putting this much thought into a high school relationship? When our parents were our age, they were getting married at 18, 19, 20 and they already knew their true loves, so why can’t we? Why do our parents say that we are too young? So in the end, what do we do?
Are there even any right answers in these situations?
Myself? My boyfriend and I broke up a month before I went to University because I was moving across the country and he was going to attend the university in our home city. We knew five years would be too long a time to remain together from a distance. But still to this day, I miss him a lot. But as much as I love him, I think about the famous quote, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you it's yours to keep." The timing just wasn't right. Maybe if we had met once we were older and had finished our post-secondary education, then we could have stayed together forever with no interruptions.
We'd started dating in elementary school and we experienced lots of things together. We went to Paris for spring break with our high school, to Disney World one summer with his entire family, and to various theme parks across the country where I tried to get him on a roller coaster with me but he was just too scared.
Our last year of high school, we began to wonder if we would stay together when I moved away; when spring came and we had to decide which university we would each attend, we started thinking seriously about it. I had never wanted to go to university in our home city but I could have stayed within an hours drive; then we could have stayed together. But I knew that going to this University was too good an opportunity to pass up. When it became clear that I was moving across the country, we both decided that staying together wasn't going to be an option.
We both felt that it would be impossible to feel like we were in a true relationship with each other since we would be so busy with homework and could only see each other once or twice a year. We are young, we are free, and we both wanted to experience university life to its fullest, without restricting ourselves from meeting new people.
Even though we knew in the spring that our relationship would come to a close at the end of the summer, I missed him more than ever when he went away that summer on a family vacation. When he came home, I couldn't picture how hard it would be to be apart from him for good. No more watching movies together, no more sharing rides to school, no more ball hockey in the drive way and I could no longer see his adorable kitten, Philly.
Now that I've survived the transition, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I send him a "hey" almost every single day and that gets the feelings of how far away he is and how much I miss him out of my system. Even so, I still feel I would be jealous of any girl that he is around. Our mutual decision that we would go our separate ways was sad because our 5 year adventure had to come to an end solely because of geography. But I did find once I made the move to university, being in a different city helped me get over the break up much easier.
I dated another boy for the first three months that I was in first year. I met him in the first week of classes and we hit it off from the start. He taught me to long board and shared his entire music collection of 7,000 songs with me. I absolutely loved sharing my world with him just as much as he did with me.
So here I was, at a new university, new friends, new boyfriend, new clothes and a new life. But that relationship ended as well: he wanted us to move too far too fast, and I was hesitant even though I was falling for him. He didn't know how to communicate how he felt about issues in our relationship with me, so his feelings built up until he became very unhappy. And most importantly, he wanted Sex and I didn't. His feeling was that Sex makes or breaks a relationship; my feeling went back to something my mom once told me about the book Pride and Prejudice. She said that so many people like the book; they especially identify with Lizzy, because they want to have pride like she does. I'm like that. I want my pride. I couldn't be all the things he wanted me to be.
So the relationship came and the relationship went. While it was interesting to be with someone fresh and new, this boyfriend and my ex were very different. My ex-boyfriend from back at home was captain of the hockey team and my university boyfriend hated the sound of skates on ice.
Even though my ex-boyfriend and I continued to communicate throughout this relationship, I never told him about this new boy because he had made it clear that he didn't want to know about anyone I was seeing because he would become jealous. He was happier not knowing. He knew that I was most likely out living my life but didn't want to think about it.
I wasn't tempted to get back with him, because we couldn't deal with the physical distance between us. We continued to stay in touch, and we still do. I still miss being his girlfriend and I wish that our long term relationship hadn't had to come to an end. We both wanted to be with each other but it just wasn't the time. If he was in the same city as me, I would still be going with him for sure. Even though I had those feelings and I probably always will, dating new people is just as exciting.
When it comes to the question of whether you break up or not because of school, I do not see a breakup as a bad thing. In university, you are supposed to meet new people and I believe you will find absolutely extraordinary people that you will want to share your world with, no matter what. The ex-boyfriend from back at home is still my friend and I never want him out of my life. The recent boyfriend and I are not good friends at all.
My ex-boyfriend from back home and I promised each other that if we end up living in the same city again after we are done our Undergrads, we will give dating a shot again. I can't help but look forward to that time.
In the end, it’s all positive. I gained new insights into relationships, and into the way I react to new situations. And I gained a new music collection.
August 31st: “Yeah….. we’re breaking up.”
When people move across the country or internationally, many are left with the question of what to do about their relationship with their boyfriend or girlfriend.
What do you do when you’re going to school across the country and he or she isn’t? Do you allow the long distance factor to break you up? Is it fair to your second half that you’re moving far away and they are just supposed to wait for you to come home? Can you have a relationship without seeing each other until Christmas? Can you ever date someone who is so far away and make it work? What is needed for a “true” relationship? Or are we all just convinced that we have to be in the same city at the same time to date?
What do you do when you meet someone you fall in love with just days before you move across the country? Is geography always the deciding factor in who we love? If there truly is just one person in this entire world that is our true love, then how can we expect that this one and only person will exist within city limits? So what do we do as students when we are faced with the challenge of University? Do we all just break up with our boyfriends/girlfriends of 9 months… 2 years… five years? Five years .. that's me .. long story ..
How can you get over someone when you don’t want to break up with them but you have to? You still have feelings for them, but common-sense tells you that it’s not worth being together. Or should you try to make it work. Is “making it work” even possible? Should we be putting this much thought into a high school relationship? When our parents were our age, they were getting married at 18, 19, 20 and they already knew their true loves, so why can’t we? Why do our parents say that we are too young? So in the end, what do we do?
Are there even any right answers in these situations?
Myself? My boyfriend and I broke up a month before I went to University because I was moving across the country and he was going to attend the university in our home city. We knew five years would be too long a time to remain together from a distance. But still to this day, I miss him a lot. But as much as I love him, I think about the famous quote, "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you it's yours to keep." The timing just wasn't right. Maybe if we had met once we were older and had finished our post-secondary education, then we could have stayed together forever with no interruptions.
We'd started dating in elementary school and we experienced lots of things together. We went to Paris for spring break with our high school, to Disney World one summer with his entire family, and to various theme parks across the country where I tried to get him on a roller coaster with me but he was just too scared.
Our last year of high school, we began to wonder if we would stay together when I moved away; when spring came and we had to decide which university we would each attend, we started thinking seriously about it. I had never wanted to go to university in our home city but I could have stayed within an hours drive; then we could have stayed together. But I knew that going to this University was too good an opportunity to pass up. When it became clear that I was moving across the country, we both decided that staying together wasn't going to be an option.
We both felt that it would be impossible to feel like we were in a true relationship with each other since we would be so busy with homework and could only see each other once or twice a year. We are young, we are free, and we both wanted to experience university life to its fullest, without restricting ourselves from meeting new people.
Even though we knew in the spring that our relationship would come to a close at the end of the summer, I missed him more than ever when he went away that summer on a family vacation. When he came home, I couldn't picture how hard it would be to be apart from him for good. No more watching movies together, no more sharing rides to school, no more ball hockey in the drive way and I could no longer see his adorable kitten, Philly.
Now that I've survived the transition, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I send him a "hey" almost every single day and that gets the feelings of how far away he is and how much I miss him out of my system. Even so, I still feel I would be jealous of any girl that he is around. Our mutual decision that we would go our separate ways was sad because our 5 year adventure had to come to an end solely because of geography. But I did find once I made the move to university, being in a different city helped me get over the break up much easier.
I dated another boy for the first three months that I was in first year. I met him in the first week of classes and we hit it off from the start. He taught me to long board and shared his entire music collection of 7,000 songs with me. I absolutely loved sharing my world with him just as much as he did with me.
So here I was, at a new university, new friends, new boyfriend, new clothes and a new life. But that relationship ended as well: he wanted us to move too far too fast, and I was hesitant even though I was falling for him. He didn't know how to communicate how he felt about issues in our relationship with me, so his feelings built up until he became very unhappy. And most importantly, he wanted Sex and I didn't. His feeling was that Sex makes or breaks a relationship; my feeling went back to something my mom once told me about the book Pride and Prejudice. She said that so many people like the book; they especially identify with Lizzy, because they want to have pride like she does. I'm like that. I want my pride. I couldn't be all the things he wanted me to be.
So the relationship came and the relationship went. While it was interesting to be with someone fresh and new, this boyfriend and my ex were very different. My ex-boyfriend from back at home was captain of the hockey team and my university boyfriend hated the sound of skates on ice.
Even though my ex-boyfriend and I continued to communicate throughout this relationship, I never told him about this new boy because he had made it clear that he didn't want to know about anyone I was seeing because he would become jealous. He was happier not knowing. He knew that I was most likely out living my life but didn't want to think about it.
I wasn't tempted to get back with him, because we couldn't deal with the physical distance between us. We continued to stay in touch, and we still do. I still miss being his girlfriend and I wish that our long term relationship hadn't had to come to an end. We both wanted to be with each other but it just wasn't the time. If he was in the same city as me, I would still be going with him for sure. Even though I had those feelings and I probably always will, dating new people is just as exciting.
When it comes to the question of whether you break up or not because of school, I do not see a breakup as a bad thing. In university, you are supposed to meet new people and I believe you will find absolutely extraordinary people that you will want to share your world with, no matter what. The ex-boyfriend from back at home is still my friend and I never want him out of my life. The recent boyfriend and I are not good friends at all.
My ex-boyfriend from back home and I promised each other that if we end up living in the same city again after we are done our Undergrads, we will give dating a shot again. I can't help but look forward to that time.
In the end, it’s all positive. I gained new insights into relationships, and into the way I react to new situations. And I gained a new music collection.
Dating
When I came to college I was dating my high school boyfriend, who was now a senior in high school. I was so sure things would work out when I left. For the first month, things were good. We talked on the phone, on the internet, and texted every day. However, as my work load mounted and he started his school year we talked less. You just can’t help but get frustrated when the communication slows and when you have nothing to talk about. I was so excited to be at college but I felt bad telling him how happy I was because he wasn’t there. He pretended to be interested in stories about my new friends that he didn’t know. We just fell apart and you can’t fix things over the phone. The first time I went home we broke up. It was mutual but it hurt us both so much. It was the distance that killed us.
Distance sometimes makes couples stronger; it did for one of my best friends. I think it’s important to evaluate the strength of not only your relationship but also your communication skills. All you will have are phone calls and hopefully visits. It is essential to decide beforehand when and how often you will talk. Honesty and openness are also really important. You need to be able to talk about how you are feeling and talk about things that are bothering you or the relationship will never work.
Distance sometimes makes couples stronger; it did for one of my best friends. I think it’s important to evaluate the strength of not only your relationship but also your communication skills. All you will have are phone calls and hopefully visits. It is essential to decide beforehand when and how often you will talk. Honesty and openness are also really important. You need to be able to talk about how you are feeling and talk about things that are bothering you or the relationship will never work.
Working Together
When I first got to college my number one priority was making friends. After orientation, we no longer had hours upon hours to hang out because we all had work to do. A simple solution was for us to all meet up in the lounge and do our homework together. However, every time we would sit down to work someone would start up a conversation and no one would get anything done. We were all more interested in each other than our classes. The work started piling up and we quickly realized that group study time was ineffective. Slowly the number of people doing homework together started dwindling. Some worked up in their rooms and others went to the library to find a silent corner.
Every so often we will forget why we no longer do homework together. Recently, I went to the library with one of my friends to write a paper. We were there for five hours and I got only one page done. Instead we talked and listened to music in a group study room. Neither of us are disciplined enough to sit in the same room and not talk. Sometimes you can be lucky enough to find someone that you are able to work with. I personally do not like working with people I do not know well. On one hand you probably will not be tempted to talk about your life, since the only thing you share is the class. On the other hand I often feel uncomfortable working with people I don't know -- for one thing there seem to be a lot of awkward silences. But I have found a few friends who I can do homework with and actually get stuff done. Usually they are the type of people who are really focused and will ignore me until I get to work.
If you can find one or two people who you work well with I think it is a great motivator to get things done. Going to the library is not so daunting if you have someone to go with. Even if they slow you down slightly, it makes the work less stressful.
Every so often we will forget why we no longer do homework together. Recently, I went to the library with one of my friends to write a paper. We were there for five hours and I got only one page done. Instead we talked and listened to music in a group study room. Neither of us are disciplined enough to sit in the same room and not talk. Sometimes you can be lucky enough to find someone that you are able to work with. I personally do not like working with people I do not know well. On one hand you probably will not be tempted to talk about your life, since the only thing you share is the class. On the other hand I often feel uncomfortable working with people I don't know -- for one thing there seem to be a lot of awkward silences. But I have found a few friends who I can do homework with and actually get stuff done. Usually they are the type of people who are really focused and will ignore me until I get to work.
If you can find one or two people who you work well with I think it is a great motivator to get things done. Going to the library is not so daunting if you have someone to go with. Even if they slow you down slightly, it makes the work less stressful.
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